Victim to Victimiser
by SVUlover14
Summary: Alex and Olivia both get taken hostage and end up in a position that threatens to compromise their relationship. Can they survive the aftermath? FINAL CHAPTER UP NOW. AO R&R!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Dick Wolf.**

**Warning for m-rated, explicit content ahead. Non-consensual sexual themes, etc. Reader discretion is advised. NO FLAMES! If you don't like it, don't read it. Simple as that.**

They were lying on the couch at Olivia's apartment, watching a movie. Alex's head was resting in her girlfriend's lap and Olivia was stroking her hair, pressing intermittent kisses to the crown of her head.

"Is there any popcorn left?" asked Olivia, not breaking the rhythm she'd created, running her fingers through the ADA's hair.

Alex, leaning into the touch, shook her head. "I ate it all."

Olivia smiled. "That's okay."

She turned back to the television screen. They were watching a romantic comedy that was playing on TV, although neither was exactly sure _why _they were watching except that it was convenient. The movie was pretty stupid, as demonstrated when the main character proposed to his girlfriend in front of his coworkers, and she said no.

"This is stupid," muttered Alex, and Olivia agreed.

"We can have a good time without the television," she said, raising an eyebrow suggestively and flipping off the television.

Alex laughed. "I'm sure we can, Detective."

Suddenly, they heard a loud bang and both women looked up. Olivia instinctively reached for her gun and pointed it at the door. "Who's there?"

Another bang, and the door came crashing down to reveal two men, dressed all in black, looking like the shady characters the detective and the prosecutor dealt with daily. All four had guns and were pointing them at the women, but neither of them recognized either of the burglars.

"So, Detective Benson," said one of the men in a silky, smooth voice. "Why don't you put your gun down?"

She was about to shoot him, but something stopped her. He had his gun pointed directly at Alex, and she knew her girlfriend would be dead if she took a shot. She didn't know who these men were or why they were doing this, but they clearly knew her. Maybe a perp, a suspect, someone she'd put in jail? "It doesn't have to be like this," said Olivia, trying to disguise the tremor in her voice, still not lowering her weapon. "We could all walk out of here right now –"

"Shut up!" shrieked one of the other men, pointing his gun at Alex too. This time, Olivia recognized the voice; it was of a sadistic serial killer they'd put in jail years ago, but she'd heard on the news a few weeks ago that the monster had escaped from prison. She hadn't been worried. Now she was.

She snuck a glance at Alex, who was clearly trying to be brave, but her Ice Queen façade was slipping, and Alex could barely disguise the shaking of her frail body.

It was breaking Olivia's hear, so she slowly lowered her weapon, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend instead, trying to calm Alex's trembling. She looked up at the men. "What do you want?"

"You," said the first man simply. "Both of you."

Olivia shook her head. "No. You leave her out of this. You want me, you can have me, but don't touch Alex."

"We know all about Miss Cabot here," said the second man, stepping toward them and hauling Alex to her feet. She bit her lip to keep from crying out. He pointed his gun to her head. "So are we going to do this the easy way or the hard way?"

Having no choice, Olivia allowed herself to be shepherded out into the back of the men's truck. They pushed Alex in beside her and locked the car door. Olivia scooted over to she was next to her girlfriend, gently massaging her shoulders, trying to lull her tense muscles into a calmer state.

"I'm okay," whispered Alex, and Olivia wasn't sure if the ADA was trying to convince her or to convince herself.

Olivia pulled Alex closer to her. "We're going to be fine," Olivia assured her, even though she didn't know if this was true. She was terrified, but she had to be strong for Alex. She had to be brave. She'd been in many bad situations as a police officer, but she was the cop, she had the gun, and she had the control. Now she was just another victim and worst of all, they'd dragged Alex into it too. Alex, who she loved more than life itself. Alex, who she would do anything for. Alex, who she knew she had to protect at all costs.

After what seemed like an eternity, the truck stopped. Their captors pushed them out of the vehicle and Olivia looked around. They were in the middle of nowhere, in a secluded rural area, and her heart sank. Here, no one would hear their screams.

"What do you want?" asked Olivia with as much contempt as she could muster, but the slight tremor in her voice betrayed her.

The first man pointed his gun to Alex's head, then gestured to Olivia. "Undress her," he ordered.

Alex stifled a gasp and shook her head. "I can't," she whispered, terrified that they were going to rape her girlfriend and make her watch.

He backhanded her and it took all she had not to cry out. Clasping her hands together so as not to reach back and touch her throbbing head, she repeated in as level a tone as she could muster, "I won't."

This time, the second man smacked her, and Alex bit down hard on her lower lip, willing herself not to cry, not to show any sign of weakness. "You do as we say, bitch, or it won't be pretty." He pointed his pistol menacingly at her and Alex couldn't help the slight quivering of her body.

"Do it, sweetie," whispered Olivia, although she too was afraid. She had to keep Alex safe and if it meant a little pain on her part, then so be it. Olivia loved the ADA and would do anything for her, even this.

Tears glistened in Alex's eyes like tiny diamonds as she started to pull Olivia's shirt over her head. Her hands were shaking too hard to be efficient, and the first man hit her again. "Don't touch her!" cried Olivia, even though she knew she shouldn't. "She's trying, okay? She's trying."

Soon, Olivia was standing naked in front of the two men and her girlfriend. She tried to put on her stony, impassive face, but it was difficult. Not because she knew what was coming, although that was foremost in her mind, but because of the silent tears that were streaking down Alex's cheeks. She knew what was coming too.

**Review for chapter two . . . more graphic scenes, though, so read on at your own risk. NO FLAMES!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the reviews. Again, graphic, m-rated chapter. Proceed at your own discretion and NO FLAMES.**

The men appraised Olivia's body visually, but they didn't lay a hand on her. Alex was crying and Olivia was standing perfectly straight, her head held high, determined to take this with dignity. She wouldn't – _couldn't _– be weak. She had to be strong for Alex.

But the men still didn't touch her. Finally, the first one, who was taller than his companion, grabbed Alex roughly by her arm. Again, Alex bit her lip so hard it drew blood, but she wouldn't give them the satisfaction of knowing they'd hurt her.

"Put one finger in her pussy and one in her ass," ordered the tall man, twisting Alex's arm tightly so she got the message.

Still, Alex gasped and shook her head, more tears streaking down her cheeks, and all Olivia wanted to do was hug her and assure her that everything would be fine. They had done this before, but it was in love, never in fear. Neither of them was aroused right now. Both of them were terrified.

"You're going to do it," said the second man, casually resting his hand on his pistol. "Or you're going to see what happens and Detective Benson here is going to watch."

Olivia caught Alex's eye. "Do it," she pleaded, but there was no panic in her voice, only urgency, firmness. She knew this was the only way.

"I'm sorry," whispered Alex as she complied with the men's orders. She heard Olivia's sharp intake of breath when she entered her and felt Olivia's muscles tense, but Olivia didn't cry out. She just gritted her teeth and tried to keep her indifferent mask on. She didn't want Alex to see how much this hurt, physically as well as emotionally.

Tears were already streaming unchecked down Alex's cheeks, but soon, she was outright sobbing, not daring to remove her fingers until she was given permission, even though she knew how much she was hurting the woman she loved.

Finally, the shorter man waved his hand. "That's enough."

Alex and Olivia both sighed in relief, but they weren't done yet. The first man broke a branch off a nearby tree and handed it to Alex. "Put this inside her."

Alex shook her head vigorously. She couldn't do that. She wouldn't.

And then she was smacked so hard that the blow sent her reeling, and she fell to the ground from the impact. "You do what I tell you, when I tell you," snarled the first man. "You do it or I will, and you'll watch, before I shoot you."

Alex couldn't hurt Olivia. But she also couldn't watch someone else hurt Olivia. She didn't have a choice. Praying that Olivia would forgive her, again she did as she was told.

This time, it really hurt, and Olivia couldn't stifle her shriek of pain. She knew it was Alex doing this to her, even though it was under extreme duress. She wasn't sure if that made it better or worse.

Soon tears were streaming down her own cheeks, matching the rhythm of Alex's sobs, and there was blood. So much blood. She'd seen blood before, in greater capacities than this, but that realization did nothing for her now.

Olivia's body couldn't hold out much longer, with the way Alex was pushing further and crying harder at the orders of the men. She collapsed onto the dirty ground, too hurt and humiliated to care about anything other than numbing her pain right now. The men either decided they'd accomplished their mission or this was no fun anymore, and they left the women there, with one last threat: "We'll kill you if you tell."

**Review for chapter three!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for your reviews! Enjoy the next part.**

Alex knelt down beside her girlfriend, still sobbing at what she'd done. How could she have hurt Olivia like that? She should have let them kill her. Death would be better than living with this pain, the pain she'd caused the one woman she loved and who loved her. _Loved _being the operative word. "Liv," she choked out tentatively through her tears. "I'm so, so sorry. Liv, I didn't – I wouldn't – I could never – I'm so, so sorry."

She wanted Olivia to hold her, say everything was fine, that she didn't blame Alex, that it wasn't her fault. But she knew that wasn't going to happen and she knew she didn't deserve it. She was dirty and horrible and evil for causing Olivia, who had only ever treated her like a princess, pain. She didn't deserve to be loved. She hated herself.

Olivia was curled up in a ball and flinched at Alex's gentle hands on her back. That terrified Alex and made her feel even worse. Olivia was always so strong. But now she wasn't. And it was all Alex's fault.

"Sweetie, we should get you to a hospital," whispered Alex, pulling her hands back as if she'd been burned, even though all she wanted was physical reassurance right now. "I'm so, so sorry, Liv. They'll do a rape kit and –" She choked on the words, but she had to say them. "I'll turn myself in."

Finally, Olivia turned to face her. "It's not your fault," she said quietly, but the alarming amount of blood pooling around her thighs belied the statement.

It wasn't what Alex wanted, because she knew the words were false. Olivia was saying them for her comfort, but Alex didn't deserve comfort right now. She deserved to be punished. She was bad and this _was _all her fault.

Olivia was too good for her, thought Alex. She lay down beside her girlfriend and cried, because she knew they could never be together now. The only woman she'd ever loved had been snatched away, and she had made it so.

Then Alex came to her senses. Olivia had lost a lot of blood and soon she'd passed out on the dirty ground. Alex had to be strong now. She had to find a phone, a person, a town, something to help Olivia. She couldn't move Olivia – she was too heavy to carry and besides, Alex had no idea where she was going. But she also didn't leave Olivia here, all by herself where she could be hurt again or lost. But Olivia also wasn't going to want to be anywhere near her right now.

Olivia must hate her, Alex thought. And Alex would never be able to prosecute a sex crime again, because she was the perpetrator now. She'd done something just as bad, maybe worse, than most of the criminals they put away on a daily basis had done. And this was _Olivia_. Everyone was going to be so disappointed and angry. They were all going to punish her. They were all going to hate her. Liz would fire her and Elliot would beat the crap out of her for daring to lay a hand on his partner.

And she knew she deserved it.

**Poor Olivia and especially poor Alex. **** Review to find out what happens next!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for your reviews. Enjoy this part.**

Alex managed to half-drag, half-carry Olivia to the side of the road, but no cars came by. They were truly in a secluded area, and that terrified her. They could die here and no one would ever know. And of course if a car did come by, who's to say it wouldn't be a creep, a pervert, one of the criminals they worked to prosecute every day? But beggars couldn't be choosers; they had to take what they could get. It was the lesser of two evils.

Alex knelt down beside her girlfriend, who was drifting in and out of consciousness, still bleeding profusely. She was scared that she had broken something internally, something that couldn't be fixed, and took off her shirt, pressing it between Olivia's legs and applying as much pressure as she deemed safe. She knew in the back of her mind that Olivia would wake up and be afraid of Alex touching her again, but Olivia had lost too much blood for her not to. She shivered in the cold night air, because now she was wearing only a thin bra in the windy evening.

But she hardly cared. This was for Olivia. As if it could make up for the wrong she had done and she pain she had inflicted earlier.

She glanced up at the low rumble of an engine and her hear skipped a beat. Standing up, she waved her arms up and down as energetically as she could, even though she was downright exhausted, physically as well as emotionally. She prayed the people in the car would see them and stop, prayed they were good people and wouldn't hurt Olivia any further, prayed they would take Olivia to get help.

The car stopped a few feet away and Alex breathed a sigh of relief. A tall, dark-haired man and a thin woman with gold hair climbed out of the vehicle. Brushing a hand across her face to remove the remnants of her tears, Alex said, "We need help. My friend – she's hurt – she's bleeding – we're lost – we need a doctor!"

The woman and man followed Alex to the spot on the ground where Olivia lay. She couldn't stop the tears that sprang to her eyes. "Please help us!"

The man turned to the woman. "Jen, go get a few blankets from the car. She's badly hurt. We'll take her into town."

The woman hurried to do as she was told and the man turned to Alex, giving her shoulder a comforting squeeze. "She's going to be okay. You're going to be okay."

That only made Alex cry harder. She didn't deserve to be okay. She deserved to be punished for what she'd done.

"What's your name?" asked the man gently.

"Alex," she whimpered. "That's Olivia."

"I'm Bill and that's my wife, Jenna. We're going to help you," he assured her as Jenna returned with three or four thick blankets.

Bill wrapped the blankets around Olivia, who was still unconscious, and lifted her effortlessly into his arms. "Come on," he said to Alex.

Alex followed him to the car and climbed into the backseat. Bill gently lay Olivia on the seat beside her, then climbed back into the driver's seat and started to take them into town.

Alex swiped at her tears. She wouldn't cry. She wouldn't be weak. She _wouldn't_.

She needed to be close to Olivia right now. She gently brushed a few strands of dark hair away from Olivia's face and began to stroke her hair in a gentle rhythm. Olivia couldn't feel it, but that wasn't the point. It was just something Alex needed to do, for her own comfort.

Then she stared out the window at the night stars, wondering how they could still shine, even when her world as she knew it had just ended.

**Review for chapter five!**


	5. Chapter 5

Finally they reached the town – or at least, Alex assumed it was the town, because there were some buildings. Small buildings, but definitely buildings. Nothing like New York, though. She determined they were probably in New Jersey, or maybe across the Canadian border, but she was too exhausted and humiliated to ask.

The car stopped at a small building that Alex assumed was the hospital. Bill climbed out of the front seat and opened the back door. "How's she doing?" he asked, inclining his head to Olivia.

Alex just sighed, climbing out of the car. Bill lifted Olivia into his arms and Jenna locked up the car. The four of them made their way into the emergency room of the hospital.

"Can I help?" asked a nurse, knitting her brows in concern.

"She's hurt," explained Alex ineloquently. "She's bleeding."

They took Olivia into a room and lay her down. After a hundred thank-yous, Bill and Jenna went back out to their car, leaving Alex with Olivia and a doctor.

"What happened to her?" asked the doctor.

Alex began to cry, and soon she was sobbing too hard to speak. The doctor took pity on her and said gently, "Why don't you wait outside? I'll take care of her."

Alex nodded gratefully and sat outside in the waiting room. Jenna had given her one of her shirts, which was too big, but Alex was glad for it anyway. She felt like she was drowning in the shirt. She felt like she was drowning in her heart.

Finally, the doctor came out into the waiting room. "She's conscious," he told Alex. "She's going to be all right."

"Does she want to see me?" asked Alex quietly, hardly daring to hope.

The doctor nodded, then said in an undertone, "She was sexually assaulted pretty violently. There was some damage. She's in pain, but nothing permanent. I prescribed her some painkillers. They're strong, so she shouldn't take more than four a day, two in the morning and two in the evening."

Alex hung her head, but mutely followed the doctor into the hospital room. Olivia was curled up on her side in the bed, but she was conscious again, and Alex breathed a sigh of relief. But she saw Olivia visibly tense when she saw her and she felt horrible all over again. _She _had done this. She had _done _this. She had done _this_. She suddenly felt like she couldn't breathe.

The doctor left them alone together. Alex just stood in the doorway, unsure what she should do. She really wanted to curl up beside Olivia and hold her, but she was waiting for Olivia to give her a signal. She didn't want to frighten her girlfriend.

"The doctor says I can go home," said Olivia softly, startling Alex from her thoughts.

"That's good," whispered Alex, and then she began to cry again. "Olivia, I'm so, so sorry. I didn't want to hurt you – I couldn't – I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," Olivia told her, but the words sounded hollow to Alex. And still, Olivia didn't invite her to sit with her. She didn't want to be near Alex right now and that broke Alex's heart.

It wasn't that Olivia was mad at her girlfriend. She knew it wasn't Alex's fault. She was just confused, trying to sort out herself out, physically and emotionally. She knew she couldn't blame Alex, and she didn't. But how would they ever be able to have sex again without her flashing back to this horrible night?

She was not going to cry, she told herself sternly. She was stronger than that. She had to be. For Alex, as well as for herself.

She hated those men. She hated them for what they'd done to her, how much they'd hurt her, inside and out. But even more so, she hated them for what they'd done to Alex.

She knew in her head that she couldn't blame Alex, that it wasn't Alex's fault, that Alex would never, ever hurt her, that Alex was just as much a victim as she was. But her body only recognized physical clues, and her body thought that it was _Alex _who had caused it so much pain. She felt horrible at the way her body stiffened, then started to tremble in Alex's presence, but she couldn't help it.

Then more tears welled up in Alex's bottomless blue eyes and Olivia felt even worse. She'd never wanted to hurt her girlfriend and she knew Alex had never wanted to hurt her. Before today, she'd never even seen the ADA cry before. But then, before today, Alex probably would have never imagined that she would one day see Olivia lying on the ground, covered in blood, unconscious and humiliated, in more pain than she'd ever endured in her entire life. Sure, she'd been hurt before, especially in the line of duty, and her mother had hit her sometimes when she was drunk, but nothing compared to this.

Olivia knew she had to put her own feelings aside – rather, her body's reactions. Alex was crying silently and it was breaking Olivia's heart. Even though she really didn't want to, she managed a small smile and patted the space next to her, scooting over to one side of the bed. "Come on," she invited Alex.

That was what Alex had been waiting for, even though she was acutely aware that Olivia was doing it more for Alex's comfort than out of any actual affection. Feeling even worse instead of better, Alex curled up beside Olivia, her own body trembling as she did. But she wanted to be close to her girlfriend right now, and she rested her head on Olivia's stomach.

Olivia gasped at the pressure and sat up straight, her eyes wide with fear. Alex moved away immediately, but there was still a wildness in Olivia's chocolate eyes and Alex feared that the detective might hit her. She climbed off the bed, moving away from Olivia, and hung her head. She knew that she shouldn't take it personally, that it was a physical reaction rather than an emotional one and she'd probably terrified her girlfriend. But that made her feel worse instead of better.

_This was all her fault_.

**Review for chapter six!**


	6. Chapter 6

They took a taxi back to their apartment, not saying anything on the ride except for one thing: "Alex," said Olivia in a quiet but firm tone. "Don't tell anyone what happened."

"I –" Alex opened and closed her mouth a few times, speechless for the first time in her life. She was so ashamed of what had happened – of what she had _done _– and she was just as happy to keep it quiet. But on the other hand, she had done something horrible and she deserved to be punished. Finally, though, Olivia's wishes took precedence, as they always had. "Of course," she said instead.

Olivia nodded briefly and they rode the rest of the way in silence.

They reached the apartment and retreated to separate rooms, Alex to the bedroom and Olivia to the living room. Alex changed into a tank top and sweatpants and crawled into bed. All she really wanted right now was for Olivia to hold her, but she wasn't delusional; she knew that wasn't going to happen. But for the last year, she had fallen asleep every night wrapped in her girlfriend's arms, and now it was so difficult to sleep without them.

She clutched a pillow to her chest, pretending it was Olivia. It barely helped. Soon, the pillow was soaked with salty tears.

And the next morning when she woke up and found Olivia's side of the bed empty, her pillow still damp with tears, she hated herself more than she had ever hated anyone or anything in her life. She got up and padded into the living room, where Olivia was sprawled out on the couch. Alex's heart was physically hurting and she wanted so much to wake her girlfriend and apologize a million times over, but she knew she couldn't. So she did the next best thing, tenderly unfolding a blanket and gently draping it over the sleeping detective, pressing a soft kiss to Olivia's temple. Olivia didn't stir.

Alex made her way to the bathroom and a package of disposable razors caught her eye. She suddenly had an idea, something that might make her feel better. She seized one of the blades and pressed it to her arm, pushing as hard as she could, sucking in a breath at the ribbon of blood that immediately appeared. But it felt strangely liberating. It felt _good_.

Maybe if she cut herself hard enough, she could rid herself of the evilness – the _dirtiness_ – that had engulfed her the night before.

* * *

Olivia was a bit calmer when she woke up in the morning. She smiled to herself when she noticed the blanket draped over her; Alex must have put it there while she was sleeping. And that made her feel even worse for her behaviour the previous night. She knew Alex would never hurt her, and Alex had never treated her like anything but a princess, and now here she was, pushing the ADA away from her when all Alex needed was to be close.

Olivia got up and started for the bedroom, where Alex, clad in sweatpants and a sweatshirt, was curled up on the bed. There were tearstains on her cheeks and that broke Olivia's heart. She had made Alex cry. Again.

She was in pain, but right now, Alex was more important. She climbed up onto the bed beside Alex and fitted her body against her girlfriend's, wrapping her arms around the ADA. She felt Alex's twitch of surprise, but then she settled into the touch and breathed a shuddering sigh of relief.

"Olivia," whimpered Alex. "I'm so sorry – so sorry."

Olivia started to rub gentle, soothing circles into Alex's back. "Let's not talk about it, okay?"

Alex began to cry again. "I _raped _you, Olivia!"

Olivia's hands stilled on her back. "I wasn't raped." Assaulted maybe, but not by Alex. By those men who had made it so. She hadn't been raped.

"They did a rape kit," Alex reminded her through her tears. "I – I'm just like the criminals we put away, Liv. I hurt you." She buried her head in her hands and sobbed.

"You're not a perp, Alex," said Olivia gently, pressing a kiss to Alex's temple.

Alex looked back at her, her baby blues shining with tears. "Are you sure?"

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	7. Chapter 7

Olivia didn't know what she could say to make Alex's pain go away, so she didn't say anything. She just held Alex in her arms until the ADA's sobs gradually subsided.

It occurred to Alex that this should really be the other way around. She should be holding Olivia and making her feel better, because Olivia was the one who had been hurt. Who _she _had hurt. Olivia was the one who was in pain today and she was the one who had been assaulted. Yet here she was once again, comforting Alex, putting her own feelings aside to make her girlfriend feel better.

Olivia was too good for her.

"I'm sorry," whispered Alex again. "I'm so sorry."

"Shh." Olivia gently stroked her hair. "Let's not talk. I love you, Alex. It's okay."

Alex gasped. This was the first time Olivia had said that. And now was the time she had chosen, the time when Alex was feeling the most insecure, the most unloved. Alex buried her head in Olivia's chest and she wept, because Olivia loved her, even now, after she'd hurt her so much. She wanted so much to say she loved Olivia back, but the words caught in her throat and she couldn't get them out. She just continued to cry.

Olivia pulled her closer, planting another kiss on her forehead. "It's okay," she murmured. "It's okay, Alex. You're not the enemy here. You did the only thing you could do and I don't blame you for it. I know you didn't mean it and you never would have done it otherwise. I forgive you." She paused. "Can you forgive yourself?"

Alex hesitated, then nodded into Olivia's chest. Olivia forgave her. How did Alex get so lucky? She was lying in bed beside the most amazing, selfless woman on the planet. She didn't forgive herself, though. She couldn't. But if saying she did made Olivia feel better, then she would say it. Anything for Olivia.

"Good," whispered Olivia, giving Alex's frail body a light squeeze. "We're not going to talk about it anymore, Alex. It's over. We're going to pretend it never happened. Okay?"

Again, Alex nodded, and Olivia continued to gently stroke her hair.

"Thank you, baby," the detective whispered.

And Alex's heart broke all over again, because her wonderful Olivia was thanking _her _for keeping silent about a wrong _she'd _committed. Because she wanted to protect _Alex_. But Alex didn't deserve her love. She'd hurt Olivia in the worst way possible, and still the detective was holding her and assuring her that everything was okay.

Suddenly Olivia's cell phone started to ring and she jumped at the unexpected sound. Climbing off the bed, she flipped open the phone. "Benson," she said in as crisp a tone as she could muster.

"Liv, where are you?"

It took her a minute, but then – "Elliot?"

She could tell even over the phone that he was rolling his eyes. "Where the hell are you? Cragen's going crazy."

_Oh, shit_. "Yeah, um, I'm not coming in today."

"We caught a case, Liv. Our serial rapist struck again."

His words made her jump a little and almost subconsciously, she looked at Alex, then immediately felt bad for doing so. "Yeah, I'll be there in ten," she stammered.

"See you in ten," echoed Elliot.

Olivia flipped cell phone shut and turned to Alex. "Sorry, Alex, I have to go. You can stay here, okay? I'll be back at four or so."

Alex wanted to argue, because all she wanted was for Olivia to climb back into bed and hold her and cover her with kisses, but she knew she had to let Olivia take the lead on this one. So instead she just nodded and said in a small voice, "Okay. I'll see you at four."

The throbbing pain between Olivia's legs was growing more insistent, so she took two painkillers before grabbing a cup of coffee and running out the door. She had to go to work. It was how she'd learned to turn off her emotions and move on with her life. If she threw herself into her work and focussed on the cases, maybe she could forget her own experience with perps and victims and rapists and monsters.

She took a cab to the precinct and checked her posture before she walked in the door. Everything had to be the same as it was yesterday, last week, last month, last year. She had to swagger into the squad room with a confident smirk, she had to down two or three cups of coffee, she had to greet Elliot with a snarky remark. If she didn't, they would know something was wrong, and no one could know what had happened. She could deal with it – or rather, not deal with it. She could forget about it. She could pretend it had never happened. She could pretend that her thighs weren't covered in bruises, that the tenderness between her legs was a figment of her imagination, that Alex hadn't had anything to do with any of her pain.

Maybe if she thought it enough, it would be true.

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	8. Chapter 8

Alex tried to go back to sleep after Olivia left, but she couldn't. She kept replaying the morning's events in her mind, unable to decide whether or not she was glad. Olivia forgave her. Olivia _forgave _her. She didn't deserve it.

She finally managed to get to sleep, but the dreams that came to her were not pleasant ones. Images of the men, forcing her to hurt her Olivia, swam in front of her eyes. _Her fingers buried deep in Olivia's folds as Olivia tried not to cry from the pain, Olivia laying on the ground, covered in blood, the doctor's words: "She's been sexually assaulted." And it was Alex, Alex who had done it, Alex who was at fault, Alex who had hurt her, Alex who was the perpetrator of one of the most heinous crimes._

She woke up screaming, tears streaking down her cheeks. She wanted Olivia to be there, holding her and soothing her, rubbing her back, stroking her hair, washing away her fears with gentle kisses. But Olivia wasn't there. She was at work. Alex was by herself in the apartment, alone and afraid. She curled up in a ball, pulling her knees to her chest, making herself as small as she possibly could. As if she could just disappear, along the pain and despair she felt. Along with the pain and despair she'd _inflicted_.

Suddenly all she wanted was to hear Olivia's voice. Holding her breath, she picked up her cell phone and dialed Olivia's number, but the detective didn't answer. Panic began to overwhelm her, and Alex had to force herself to be calm. This wasn't personal. Olivia was just . . . out at a crime scene. Yes, that's exactly where she was. At a scene.

Alex lay back down on the bed and turned on the television, hoping it could give her the comfort and the company she desperately needed right now. It didn't. She flipped channels for about ten minutes, then gave up, turning off the television and trying to call Olivia again. This time, the detective answered, and Alex breathed a sigh of relief.

"Hey, baby," said Olivia. "What's up?"

_Come home_, Alex wanted to say. _I miss you. I need you here, with me. I love you. _"I'm bored," she said instead. "If I come in to the precinct, will you guys be able to find something for me to do?" She didn't particularly want to work right now, but she wanted – _needed _– to be close to Olivia.

Olivia hesitated. "We don't really need anything here, but you can try Liz. I'm sure she'll be able to find something for you to do."

Alex's heart shattered into tiny pieces. "Okay," she said in a small voice.

"I'll see you in a bit, sweetheart."

"Okay," repeated Alex, feeling a bit foolish because she was once again close to tears. What was wrong with her? The Alex Cabot of last week, last month, last _year _never cried. But within the last twenty-four hours, she had barely been able to stop.

"Is something wrong, Alex?" asked Olivia gently.

"No," said Alex quickly. "No, I'm fine. Are you – never mind. I'll see you later."

"Okay," agreed Olivia, albeit a bit reluctantly. "See you around four."

Alex hung up the phone and sighed, lying back down on the bed. She needed Olivia here with her right now. She missed her girlfriend so badly. And she was terrified – terrified that a day of dealing with victims and perps would bring Olivia to her senses, and the detective would realize what an awful crime Alex had committed, and leave her. Alex knew that she deserved whatever Olivia decided to do to her, whether she decided to stay or go. Part of her wished that Olivia would remain blind, that she wouldn't realize anything at all. But then she knew she wouldn't be able to live with herself if she wasn't punished for what she'd done.

She curled up in a ball, trying not to cry again. She _wouldn't _cry. She wouldn't. She was done with crying.

Her phone rang and Alex's heart skipped a beat. She snatched it up, half-praying it was Olivia and half-praying it wasn't. "Cabot," she said in as crisp a tone she could muster.

It was a telemarketer, and Alex hung up on him. She wasn't in the mood to buy any new carpet cleaner or get her windows replaced or even say that she wasn't in the mood for any of these things. She was in the mood for Olivia. That was all she wanted – all she'd ever wanted – and yet, it was just beyond her grasp. So close, yet so far.

She picked up the phone to dial Olivia's number again, but then decided against it, figuring she didn't want to seem too needy. This was new territory for her; she'd never before had to second-guess herself when it came to Olivia. They were two sides of the same coin, true soul mates. They always knew instinctively just what to do when it came to each other. But now . . . now things were different. Now the trust they'd once shared had been broken, and Alex didn't know how she could fix it.

"I'm sorry," she whispered to herself, over and over, the words she wished she could say to Olivia. The words Olivia didn't want to hear.

**Review for chapter nine!**


	9. Chapter 9

Olivia got home at exactly 4:07 and she came right into the living room where Alex was curled up on the couch. She sat down next to the ADA. "Hey, baby," she said softly, brushing a few strands of blonde hair back from Alex's face. "Are you doing okay?"

Alex looked up and nodded. She managed a wan smile and wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck.

As she did so, her sweatshirt sleeve rode halfway up her arm, revealing a deep red cut. Olivia gasped when she saw it and took Alex's arm. "Baby, what happened?"

Alex looked down at the mark, then pulled her sleeve back down to cover it. "Nothing," she said quickly. "It's nothing."

"Did you hurt yourself?" pressed Olivia, knitting her brows in concern.

Alex jumped a little at her words, even though she knew that wasn't the way Olivia had meant it. "No, I . . . I'm fine." She hesitated, wanting to turn things back to normal again. She racked her brain, trying to remember what they used to talk about before last night. What had she said when Olivia came home from work? Had they talked about cases? Had they laughed over a book, a movie, a TV show? Had they had a calming glass of wine? Alex had forgotten every word of the daily banter they'd shared. Finally she settled with, "How was work?"

Then she cringed, realizing how stupid that sounded. What was Olivia supposed to say? "A five-year-old was raped and murdered, but yeah, work was great?" Fat chance.

Olivia didn't answer, just gently stroked Alex's hair. "Are you coming in tomorrow?" she asked instead.

Alex sighed, leaning into the tender touch, glad to be so close to Olivia. She'd been waiting for this all day. "Probably," she answered.

She really wanted to ask Olivia if she'd told anyone what had happened, but she knew that would upset the detective, and she didn't want that. Besides, she already knew the answer. Olivia wouldn't have told. First of all, she would want to protect Alex, and secondly, she wouldn't want anyone to see her in a vulnerable position, and she was probably embarrassed. Alex knew that _she_ was.

She curled up against Olivia as the detective continued to run her fingers through her hair. "I love you," she murmured.

Olivia breathed a sigh of relief. She had been so afraid that last night's events had irrevocably damaged their relationship. She'd upset Alex so much when what had happened hadn't been Alex's fault. But Alex still loved her. Thank god. "I love you, too, princess," she replied, pressing a soft kiss to the ADA's forehead.

_Olivia still loved her._ Alex knew she didn't deserve that love, but she needed it now. She needed Olivia now. She needed to be loved. So she snuggled closer to Olivia and decided not to look her gift horse in its mouth. She would take what she could get and just be grateful it was being given.

* * *

They went to bed together that night, but neither woman could sleep. Alex stared at the ceiling and tried to blink back her tears, both of guilt and relief, taking comfort in the fact she was wrapped in Olivia's arms.

Olivia held Alex tightly, as if her embrace could protect both of them from demons, both internal and external. She refused to allow herself to drift off, terrified that she'd awake with nightmares. And that would scare Alex.

She felt the ADA shift in her arms and gently rubbed Alex's back. She planted a soft kiss on the crown of Alex's head and murmured, "I love you," once again. She knew Alex needed to hear it.

Soon, she heard Alex's breathing even out and she knew the ADA was asleep. She gave Alex another kiss and focussed on staying awake.

Just as her eyelids began to droop, she felt Alex start to thrash in her arms, murmuring unintelligibly. It sounded like, "Don't make me . . . I don't want to . . . don't hurt her . . . I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Olivia gently shook her shoulders. "Alex. Alex!" Alex opened her eyes and looked at Olivia, fear etched into her delicate features. Olivia continued in as calm a voice she could muster. "Baby, you're having a nightmare. It's not real. You're okay."

She could feel the tension in Alex's body start to abate, and the ADA whispered, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you."

Olivia gave her a watery smile. "I wasn't asleep." She took Alex into her arms and rocked her gently like she was a child, trying to soothe her back to sleep.

Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder and closed her eyes, taking comfort in their physical closeness. She wished it would last forever.

**Review for chapter ten!**


	10. Chapter 10

The next day at work, Olivia tried not to focus on Alex. She got caught up on her paperwork, trying to fill her mind with impersonal things. It didn't work.

Olivia jumped when she felt a hand on her shoulder. "Liv?"

She turned and breathed a sigh of relief when she saw it was just Elliot. Trying to maintain an impassive expression, she said, "Yeah?"

"We caught a case. Two men forced a woman to rape another woman. They're both at the hospital and the men are MIA."

Olivia blinked. Her heart started to race and her hands started to tremble. These were the men who had hurt her and Alex. She was sure of it. She couldn't do this, couldn't do this, couldn't do this.

"Liv?" Elliot's uncertain voice cut into her thoughts. "Olivia?"

She snapped out of it. This was her job and she had to do it and push her personal feelings aside. "Yeah." She grabbed her coat. "I'll drive."

Surprisingly, Elliot didn't argue, and Olivia drove them to Mercy General. The woman at the front desk pointed them toward a hospital room. Olivia hesitated before going inside.

There were two women in the room, one laying on the bed and the other sitting on a chair, her head buried in her hands. Both faces were tearstained and both pairs of eyes were glassy.

Olivia knew instinctively what to do. Elliot sat down on a chair and Olivia perched on the edge of the bed. She struggled to recall the women's names. Addressing the woman laying on the bed, she asked gently, "Are you Jacqueline Bauer?"

The woman nodded. "Please, call me Jackie." She nodded toward the other woman. "That's my girlfriend, Amara."

Olivia nodded. "I'm Detective Benson and this is my partner, Detective Stabler. Can you tell us what happened last night?"

Jackie looked at the ground and Amara sniffled. Jackie slowly shook her head.

Olivia sighed. She turned toward Amara and spoke quietly, so Elliot and Jackie wouldn't hear. "Whatever happened, it wasn't your fault. You know that and Jackie knows that. No matter what you did, you're not going to get into any trouble for it. But whoever did this to you will strike again and we need your help. Please, help us make sure that whatever happened to you doesn't happen to another woman."

Amara looked at the ground and Olivia could tell she was fighting back tears. "I raped her," she murmured, then gave up the fight. Tears streaked down her cheeks as she whispered, "I raped my girlfriend."

"You didn't," said Jackie. "It wasn't your fault. You did the only thing you could do."

Olivia cringed. She'd said the same words to Alex just the other day. But she knew instinctively what to do. She was speaking to both women as she said, "Jackie, you were assaulted, but Amara, you aren't the bad guy here. You did what you had to do to get through it. And it's going to be hard, but you will get better from this."

Elliot was just staring at Olivia, an expression of puzzlement on his face. Finally, he said, "Can you tell us what happened?"

Amara exhaled a shaky breath. "We were at my apartment, watching a movie. Suddenly I heard a noise and went to see what it was. Then the door came crashing down and there were two men, wearing masks. They took us – took us to the middle of nowhere – they said they'd kill us – and they made me – made me –" She let out a strangled sob. "They made me undress Jackie – and they made me – touch her – with a branch and – there – there was so much blood – and –" She began to cry. "I'm so sorry, Jackie! So, so sorry."

Olivia swallowed hard. She needed to separate herself from this. This wasn't Alex and this wasn't her. These were two completely different women. Victims. She wasn't a victim. She _wasn't_. Maybe Alex was, but not her. Never her.

With difficulty, she said, "It wasn't your fault, Amara." She sighed. "Someone from victims' services will be calling you soon, okay?"

Jackie shook her head. "I'm not a victim," she said quietly.

"You both are," Elliot told her, and Olivia jumped a little. Would Elliot consider _her_ a victim too?

Elliot glanced at Olivia, then back at the women. "I think we're done here," he said. "Both of you, get some rest. We'll call you if we need anything else."

The women nodded, and Elliot got up. Content to let him take the lead for now, Olivia mutely followed her partner out of the room. She needed some time to sort her thoughts out.

Elliot climbed into the driver's seat and surprisingly, Olivia didn't even protest. "What do you make of this?"

Olivia clasped her hands tightly together. "I think there's a special place reserved in hell for these bastards." She hoped.

**Review for chapter eleven!**


	11. Chapter 11

**I know this one's short, so sorry. The next one will be longer.**

Olivia got home exhausted. She knew Alex was going to hear about this case soon, and she wasn't sure if her girlfriend would be able to handle it. She already felt bad enough about what these men had made her do to Olivia, and the detective wasn't sure if she'd be able to deal with facing them again, especially in court. And if she wanted to push the case off on Abbie, she would have to give Liz a reason, and Alex wasn't going to tell anyone what had happened to them.

When Olivia got home, Alex was already there, waiting for her in the living room. When she saw the look on the detective's face, she knitted her brows in concern and asked, "Are you okay, Liv?"

Olivia smiled weakly and sat down beside Alex. "Yeah, baby." She pulled the ADA onto her lap. "How was work?"

Alex shrugged. "Fine."

Olivia gently stroked her hair and made a decision. "I know we decided we weren't going to talk about this –"

Alex winced and said quickly, "Then let's not."

"No, baby, I think we have to." Olivia saw the tears rushing to her girlfriend's eyes and squeezed her tightly. "Baby, it's okay. No one's going to hurt you, sweetie, and I know that nothing was your fault. You never need to worry about that, okay?" When she felt Alex nod against her shoulder, she continued, "There was another assault matching the MO. I just wanted you to hear it from me now instead of from Liz tomorrow. You might end up prosecuting the bastards who did this to us, Alex, and if you're not okay with that, I need you to tell me. If you're not comfortable, I can talk to Liz for you."

Alex shook her head. "I'll be okay. It's my job, and I'll do it. But thank you for telling me, Liv," she whispered. "It means a lot."

Olivia smiled wanly and held Alex close. Then she noticed a deep red incision on Alex's left arm and stopped for a moment. "Alex, what happened to your arm?" she asked, furrowing her brows in concern.

"Nothing," said Alex quickly.

"Nothing again? You have two cuts on your arm and they look pretty deep."

"It was an accident," she said quietly.

"What kind of an accident?" pressed Olivia.

"Could you stop interrogating me?" snapped Alex.

"No, honey, I'm worried about you. I need you to tell me what's wrong."

"I was hulling strawberries for a salad and the knife slipped and cut my arm."

"Today _and _yesterday?"

"No, yesterday I was shaving and I dropped the razor."

Alex could tell that Olivia didn't believe her and she ducked her head in shame. She'd worried Olivia. Olivia, who was being so good to her, even now, when her shameful secret might soon be exposed. She would have to be more careful.

Olivia squeezed her tightly and kissed her hair. "Okay, baby, just be careful."

Alex couldn't relax in her girlfriend's embrace. She didn't deserve this, for Olivia to be holding her and loving her and treating her so well. She was _bad_.

Nevertheless, Alex fell asleep in Olivia's arms.

She woke up in the middle of the night, crying in her sleep. It took her a moment before she realized she was in her bed, and she smiled when she realized Olivia must have carried her there. She started to brush away her tears, but then she didn't need to, because suddenly she was in Olivia's arms, and the detective was kissing her tears away and gently stroking her hair. "Shh, baby," she whispered in Alex's ear, rubbing soothing circles into her back. "You're okay. I'm here."

Alex relaxed in Olivia's embrace and leaned her head on her girlfriend's shoulder. Olivia was here. She was okay. They both were.

At least, she hoped.

**Review for chapter twelve!**


	12. Chapter 12

The next day brought two more victims for Elliot and Olivia. This time, the pain as the women recounted their story was slightly lessened for Olivia, but it still hurt.

"This guy's on a roll," commented Elliot as they left the hospital. "Two victims in two days."

_Three_, Olivia didn't say.

They spent the day following up on fruitless leads.

"We need to find the place where they took their victims," said Olivia. "It's some rural, secluded place in the middle of nowhere – or at least it seems that way to the victims."

"Maybe this guy's homophobic," mused Elliot.

Olivia shrugged. "Doesn't matter. Motive comes after."

"You think media scrutiny would help or hurt?"

She shrugged again. "It could go either way. We could hold back most of the details, just say we're looking for two men with a black SUV. Which is really all we have to go on."

He nodded. "These guys are good."

She shivered and nodded her concurrence.

* * *

Alex was crying again when Olivia got home, and the detective noticed another deep cut on her arm. She didn't ask Alex what was wrong because she knew the ADA wouldn't answer. Olivia just held her.

They went to bed again, sleeping on opposite sides, without making love. Olivia felt an emptiness deep in her heart where Alex should have been, because this wasn't Alex. This was a ghost of Alex, an echo of the Alex she'd once known. The only thing Alex shared with the broken woman lying beside her was her height. That was it. Alex had changed so much in the past few days.

And it was her fault. She was a detective; it was her job to protect the public, but she couldn't even protect her girlfriend! She should have been able to stop it. She shouldn't have let anyone hurt Alex, physically or emotionally.

Alex started to stir and rolled over to face Olivia. The detective brushed a few strands of smooth blonde hair back from her face. "Hey, baby," she said quietly.

Alex smiled weakly. "Hey."

"It's the middle of the night. Did you have a bad dream?"

Alex shook her head and reached out to intertwine her fingers with Olivia's. She needed the touch right now. "I love you," she whispered.

Olivia held Alex's icy hands tightly in her warm ones. "I love you, too."

How could Alex explain it to Olivia without potentially alienating her, how terrified she was of losing the woman she loved? Olivia would reassure her, tell her not to be silly, say that she'd never leave her. But Alex knew better. After Olivia started talking to real victims at work, she would realize that she was one, and Alex was the one who had made her so. She would realize what a horrible, evil thing Alex had done and leave her. This wasn't a new fear, and frankly she was glad she'd made it this far. But the terror still gripped at her heart, gnawing away pieces.

"Hold me," she whispered, trying to hold back her tears. She would not cry in front of Olivia again. She would _not _cry.

Olivia sighed and took Alex into her arms, gently stroking her hair and murmuring sweet nothings into her ear until Alex fell back into a fitful sleep.

* * *

When she woke up, Alex was still in Olivia's arms. She smiled to herself, then sighed, wondering for how much longer she would be able to enjoy this feeling. She scooted closer to Olivia and rested her head on the detective's shoulder. "I love you," she murmured, but Olivia was asleep and didn't hear her. "I'll be good, Olivia. I'll be better. I promise. Please, just don't leave me."

Apparently, Olivia wasn't as asleep as Alex thought, because she hugged the ADA tighter and whispered firmly, "Never."

Alex wished she could believe her.

**Review for chapter thirteen!**


	13. Chapter 13

The next night, Olivia was on a stakeout with Elliot, and Alex went to bed alone. One more cut to add to the ribbon of red on her arm, and then she cried herself to sleep, crossing her arms over her chest and pretending it was Olivia holding her.

The call came at 4:22, from Elliot rather than Olivia, and Alex tried not to feel hurt. "Alex," he said simply. "We got them. We need you down here."

Alex knew exactly what he meant and her heart stopped for a moment. She tried to make her voice as strong as possible. "I – I'll be there in ten." She really wanted to ask if she could talk to Olivia, but she knew Olivia wouldn't want to talk to her.

She pulled on a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt to hide the deep red cuts on her arm, then thought the better of it and put on a business suit. Who knew how long they'd be at the precinct, arguing with scumbag defence attorneys and trying to pressure these monsters into a confession? Her body subconsciously started to tremble at the mere _thought _of seeing these men, and she wasn't sure if she'd be able to handle it.

But, as she'd told Olivia, she had to do her job.

She hailed a cab – which unsurprisingly wasn't difficult at 4:30 in the morning – and told the driver to take her to the precinct. The ride lasted forever, yet it ended too soon. She climbed out of the car, paid the driver, and pushed herself up onto slightly shaky legs. She tried to stop her body from trembling as she went inside.

Elliot met her in the squad room. He looked exhausted, but he greeted her with a wan smile. "Hey, Alex."

She managed a half-smile back. "Where's Olivia?"

He gestured toward one of the interrogation rooms. "She's talking to them. She told me to come out here and wait for you." He rolled his eyes. "I told her you'd be able to find your own way in, but that Olivia. She loves you, Alex. You're lucky."

_She was lucky._ "She shouldn't be in there alone!" Alex cried.

Elliot gave her a strange look. "She's fine." He stared at her for another moment, then said, "Shall we?"

Alex nodded, folding her hands in a futile attempt to alleviate their shaking. She followed Elliot into the interrogation room.

Olivia looked up when she saw them. "Elliot," she ordered. "Leave."

He raised an eyebrow. "I thought I was –"

"Do as I say," she snapped, and Elliot raised his hands in surrender before complying.

Alex glanced at the two men in the room and involuntarily started to shiver. One was tall, well-built with dark hair and cold, cold eyes. The other was skinny and not as dark as his partner, but just as frightening. Neither looked particularly concerned with anything either the detective or the ADA might have to say.

"Ah," said the first man – his name was Jonathan Smythe – fondly, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms. "Alexandra."

Olivia clearly noticed how Alex's frail body was shaking at his statement, because she snapped, "This is ADA Cabot."

Smythe shrugged, gesturing to Alex. "Detective Benson, you should really arrest this one here, not us. She's the one who raped you after all."

Alex forced herself to be calm. She had to be strong. She would not show these men her fear. And she was the one in control now. Not them. Her.

"She did no such thing," said Olivia calmly. "And we're not here to discuss that."

The second man – Alan Granger – raised an eyebrow. "You mean you didn't tell anyone what 'ADA Cabot' did to you?"

"She didn't do anything to me," replied Olivia. "You did."

"She can't even talk for herself," said Smythe, smirking. "'ADA Cabot,' you raped someone. Does that make you feel good?"

Alex managed to ignore their taunts. She turned to Olivia. "Did they waive Miranda?"

"Their lawyer is on her way."

"So we shouldn't be talking to them."

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "We're not. They're talking to us. We're just listening."

Alex sighed. She didn't really want to make that distinction, because she knew it wouldn't go over well with the men's lawyer, but she didn't have the energy to argue right now. So she just nodded mutely.

The door to the interrogation room opened and a woman neither Alex nor Olivia knew entered. "Out," she ordered. "My clients invoke their rights to remain silent."

"Hey, no, we don't," said Smythe. "We were having such a lovely chat with these two lovely ladies."

"Lovely in _every _way," added Granger, grinning. He didn't say it aloud, but the implication was there, crude as ever.

Their lawyer gave them a disapproving look, then turned to Alex, holding out her hand. "Dana Lowenstein," she said shortly.

"Alex Cabot," Alex introduced herself in a clipped tone, shaking the other lawyer's hand.

Lowenstein pulled out a chair and sat down at the table beside her clients. "I highly recommend neither of you say another word."

Alex ignored her. "Both of you are being arraigned in a few hours, so if you have anything to say, say it now."

"You can't touch us," sneered Granger.

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "We can and we will. We caught you in the act. We don't need you to say anything, but it may go better for you if you do."

"We never touched a woman."

"No, you made women touch each other."

"They wanted it."

"You held them at gunpoint!" exclaimed Olivia.

"And you know that because . . ." said Smythe with a smirk.

Olivia leaned forward. "You know what? Let's leave that for a moment. My real question is _why_?"

"Why what?" he asked.

"Why do you do it?"

"Because we hate you dykes."

Alex glanced at Olivia, quirking an eyebrow. "That sounded a lot like a confession to me."

"Me, too," agreed Olivia.

Lowenstein had clearly realized the same thing, because she looked pissed.

**Review for chapter fourteen!**


	14. Chapter 14

**I know this one's short, but I hope you enjoy it anyway.**

Alex got the men arraigned a few hours later and both were remanded. But she couldn't concentrate for the rest of the day, which was odd, because the men who'd hurt her and Olivia were safely in jail now. They knew who they were and they weren't going to hurt anyone ever again. But memories that had been buried were bubbling back to the surface. She was terrified that everything would come out when they ended up on the witness stand. And that would cause an immediate mistrial because it would be a conflict of interest. She couldn't win.

But how could she recuse herself from the case? She would have to explain to Liz why she was doing so, and she knew she couldn't do that. She couldn't do it to herself and she couldn't do it to Olivia. If she admitted to her boss that she'd been an active participant in the commission of a crime, she'd be fired. Prosecuted, even, because what she'd done had been a crime. One of the worst crimes imaginable.

When the work day was finally over, she went home with Olivia. The detective seemed to notice her uneasy demeanor and made her a cup of tea. She sat down in the family room with Alex and wrapped her arms around the ADA. "How are you doing, princess?" she asked tenderly.

Alex sighed and leaned her head back on the sofa, closing her eyes. She couldn't tell Olivia. She couldn't admit her fear.

"Alex?" prompted Olivia, running a hand through Alex's hair. "Are you okay?"

Alex sat back up, opened her eyes again, and nodded. "Fine."

"Are you sure, baby?" asked Olivia softly.

Alex blinked back the salty tears that rushed to her eyes at the gentle way Olivia was treating her. She didn't deserve it. "I'm scared," she admitted quietly.

"What are you scared of?"

Alex looked at the ground, then adjusted her glasses and forced herself to meet Olivia's eyes. "The ethical thing for me to do is recuse myself. But at this point, if I recuse myself, first of all, I look like I'm afraid and second of all, Liz will wonder why and I'll have to tell her. I can't, Olivia. I can't."

"No one's asking you to," replied Olivia softly, giving Alex a gentle squeeze. "I could talk to her if –"

Alex shook her head. "No. I'm a big girl, Liv."

"Then what are you going to do?"

Alex sighed. She knew the choice she was about to make was wrong, very wrong, but she had to make it. "Prosecute the case and hope it doesn't blow up in my face."

They ordered in Thai for dinner, but neither woman could force down more than a few bites of food. They cleaned up in silence and started to get ready for bed.

"Alex." She snapped her head up at the sound of Olivia's quiet voice. "You can touch me . . . if you want to."

She did, more than anything. But she couldn't. She knew she couldn't. She would feel too much like a perp. So she lowered her eyes and shook her head. "I can't, Olivia. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, sweetie," Olivia assured her quickly. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to. I would never ask you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable."

Alex nodded, letting out a shaky breath as she got into bed with her girlfriend and climbed into Olivia's arms. The detective held her tightly, kissing her hair as she lowered her head onto Olivia's shoulder and closed her eyes.

Olivia kissed her forehead and murmured, "I love you, baby."

"I love you, too," replied Alex, sighing deeply as she settled in her girlfriend's embrace. She was okay now. She was safe.

She wondered how long this feeling would – how long it _could_ – last.

**Review if you'd like the next chapter!**


	15. Chapter 15

**This chapter and the next one are going to be short, but I thought they belonged as different ones. So enjoy anyway!**

The trial was the next week, and Alex presented her case relatively smoothly. But when the defense called Jonathan Smythe to the stand, it created a multitude of issues, specifically Alex's ethics. She should have recused herself from this trial, but she had chosen not to, and there was no turning back now. But if she got caught, she could lose her law license – and that would be the least of her worries once what she'd done became common knowledge.

She took a deep breath before walking toward the witness stand. "Mr. Smythe," she said coolly. "Please describe for the jury the events on the night of May 21, 2010." That was when Amara and Jackie had been assaulted.

"The dyke raped her girlfriend," said Smythe smugly. "Me and Al were just witnesses."

"Why were you there?" asked Alex.

He shrugged. "We met up with them at a bar. I thought we could hook up, double date."

Alex was momentarily daunted. She hadn't expected that. "So could you walk me through what happened?" She didn't want him to. She really didn't want him to. She wasn't sure if she could stand it if he did. But she had to ask the question.

"That dyke raped the other dyke," he said. "I didn't want to watch. I looked away. I don't know exactly what happened."

"Okay, what about on May 25?"

He shrugged again. "The same thing, different dykes. I guess we have a bad gaydar."

Alex knew she could rip him to shreds if she had another twenty minutes, but she was already breathing heavily and close to hyperventilating. Her hands were trembling and she knew she couldn't take this anymore. So she let out a deep breath and said, "Nothing further."

The trial dragged on for three more days and it didn't look like the tables were going to turn in their favor. But luckily, their secret had remained buried. And that was the most important thing. Alex had risked her job – and a potential prison sentence – and she'd got away with it.

* * *

The night before closing arguments, Alex was a bundle of nerves. She knew she had one chance and she couldn't blow it. This was too important. If they lost, double jeopardy would attach and the men who'd hurt her and her girlfriend would get away with it. She couldn't allow that to happen.

She spent the evening pacing around the kitchen until Olivia finally snapped at her to stop because she was making her dizzy. That of course caused Alex to burst into tears, more out of stress than anything.

Olivia sighed and pulled Alex onto her lap, gently massaging her shoulders. "I'm sorry, baby," she whispered as Alex wiped at her tears. She didn't want to cry in front of Olivia. She didn't want to seem weak.

Alex shook her head. "No, I'm just – stressed."

"I know." She kissed Alex's hair. "You're going to do fine, Alex. I'm proud of you. I know how hard this is for you, but you're doing just fine."

Alex let out a shaky breath. "It's my job."

"But that doesn't make it easy," commented Olivia.

"No," agreed Alex. "But it isn't really an option. It's something I have to do."

Olivia looked at her. "No, you don't."

Alex locked eyes with her girlfriend. "Yes, I do."

And that night, for the first time in weeks, they had sex. Beautiful lovemaking that made them both cry as they remembered what true love really was.

**Review for chapter sixteen!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Please note while reading this chapter that I don't know exactly what would happen in this situation and what the potential consequences might be, so allow me some poetic license. Enjoy!**

Alex was ready to deliver her closing arguments. She was still a bundle of nerves, but the ice queen façade was up again, and she was okay.

She sat down at the prosecutor's table and folded her hands, forcing herself to keep her face blank, her eyes devoid of emotion. She forced herself not to look back at Olivia, who she knew was sitting in the gallery, watching her.

The judge came in a moment later. "All rise. The Honorable Judge Petrovsky presiding."

Alex took a deep breath. It was almost over. There was just one more hurdle she had to jump, and then she was done.

Alex was startled out of her thought when Dana Lowenstein called, "Your Honor, can we approach?"

Judge Petrovsky nodded, and Alex briefly wondered what this was all about as she stepped forward.

"The defense requests a recess," said Lowenstein. "We'd like to see you in chambers."

Alex stared at her. "Why?"

"My clients have informed me of a conflict of interest on _your_ part, Ms. Cabot," said the defense attorney smugly.

"That's not –" And then Alex stopped, bowing her head and accepting the trouble she was going to be in. She'd come too far to turn back now. Anything she said would be used against her, and she couldn't lie. But she also couldn't tell the truth.

Judge Petrovsky narrowed her eyes and looked down her nose at Alex. "Is that true, Ms. Cabot?"

Alex lowered her eyes. "Yes, ma'am." She prayed that if she left it at that, she wouldn't have to explain what that conflict was.

"Ms. Cabot!" exclaimed the judge. "In my chambers. _Now_."

Alex caught the other attorney's self-satisfied smirk as she hurried after Judge Petrovsky. She stood in front of the judge's desk, her hands by her sides, looking her right in the eye. She could take this. She could. It was nothing compared to the pain Olivia would be feeling once the secret was out.

"Now explain this to me, Ms. Cabot," ordered Judge Petrovsky. "Why did you not recuse yourself from this case?"

Alex didn't respond. She tried to focus on breathing. In . . . one . . . two . . . three. Out . . . one . . . two . . . three.

"I'm waiting for an answer, Ms. Cabot. What is this conflict of interest?"

Alex still didn't say anything. She couldn't. She didn't know what to say.

Judge Petrovsky sighed. "Ms. Lowenstein?"

"My clients have informed me that they went out with Ms. Cabot and her girlfriend, without realizing this. They thought they were going to double date, but while my clients were watching, Ms. Cabot raped her girlfriend," said Lowenstein.

"Is this true, Ms. Cabot?" asked the judge, raising her eyebrows in clear astonishment.

No, it wasn't. But what could Alex say? She bowed her head and nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

"This is a clear conflict of interest," said the judge. "Ms. Cabot, you are recused from this case and you can be sure I will be calling EADA Donnelly to inform her of your conduct. As for the defendants' accusation, rest assured it will be thoroughly investigated, Ms. Lowenstein. Ms. Cabot, if there is any truth to this claim, you can expect to be disbarred and prosecuted for your grievous conduct. Words cannot describe how disappointed I am in you."

Alex looked at the ground and blinked back the hot tears rushing to her eyes. She couldn't say anything. She couldn't admit what had happened, even if it meant they would believe it wasn't her fault. Because it was her fault. She knew it was. And she would take whatever punishment they gave her, because she deserved it.

"I'm declaring an immediate mistrial," said Judge Petrovsky.

Alex's world began to spin. It was over now, for her. She would never be in this courtroom again as a prosecutor. She was going to be fired, disbarred, prosecuted. Punished. They would hurt her for hurting Olivia and they would never forgive her. She deserved it. She was already hurting herself.

She managed to stumble back into the gallery, where Olivia was waiting, an expectant expression on her face. Alex just shook her head and fell into her girlfriend's arms. Her legs couldn't hold her up any longer.

"What is it, baby?" asked Olivia.

Alex buried her head in Olivia's shoulder, not caring that they were in public, not caring that their relationship was supposed to be inconspicuous. She just clung to her girlfriend because she needed her now.

Olivia understood. She helped Alex to the car and drove silently home. Alex lay on the couch, covered in four blankets that didn't stop her shivering, and Olivia made her a cup of tea before coming to sit with her. But still, Alex didn't cry. She'd promised herself she wouldn't and she was going to keep that promise.

She rested her head on Olivia's shoulder and awaited the dreaded phone call from her boss.

**Review for chapter seventeen!**


	17. Chapter 17

It came an hour later and Alex answered her phone with as clipped a, "Hello," as she could manage.

"Alex," said Liz's sharp voice. "I need to see you. Now."

"Liz –"

"_Now_." And she hung up.

Alex sighed and turned to Olivia. "Liz. She wants me –" And then her mask slipped. "Olivia," she admitted. "I'm afraid."

Olivia hugged her tightly. "You didn't do anything wrong, princess."

Alex looked at the ground. "Yes, I did."

"Do you want to tell me what happened in chambers?"

Alex lowered her eyes again. "Lowenstein told Petrovsky that it was a conflict of interest because they had saw me rape you. Petrovsky agreed and she said I was recused and she would call Liz and I might face disbarment and prosecution."

Olivia sighed and kissed her hair. "And what did you say?"

"Nothing," whispered Alex. "I couldn't." She looked at Olivia. "I'm sorry."

"But sweetie, that's not what happened."

She looked down again. "Yes, it is. In essence, Olivia."

"Alex, they had us at gunpoint! You didn't have a choice."

"That's what they all say," said Alex softly, burying her face in Olivia's chest.

"Oh, baby." Olivia gently rubbed her back. "It wasn't your fault. You're not a perp, Alex. You're not. I'll testify. I'll do whatever it takes –"

"No. I don't want you involved," interrupted Alex, blinking back her tears. "I can take it." She looked at the ground. "I deserve it."

"No, you don't," whispered Olivia, kissing her hair. "You did nothing wrong, baby. They would have killed us both otherwise."

"But we can't prove that! They'll wonder why we didn't report it."

"It doesn't matter, Alex. We both know what happened and you didn't do anything wrong. I love you, princess. You know that, right?"

Alex settled in her girlfriend's embrace and let out a shuddering breath. "I know," she murmured. "I love you, too."

Olivia held her for a few more moments before Alex extricated herself from her girlfriend's grasp. "I should go. Liz will be angry if I keep her waiting."

"I'll drive you," offered Olivia, but Alex shook her head.

"I'll take a cab." She held a hand up to interrupt Olivia's protests. "I need to do this alone."

Olivia clearly wasn't happy, but she let Alex go.

* * *

Alex stood in front of her boss' desk twenty minutes later, clasping her hands behind her back and staring not at Liz, but past her. She wouldn't cry. She _would not _cry. She couldn't cry. Not in front of Liz.

"So," snapped Liz without even a word of greeting. "Is it true?"

Alex forced herself to meet her boss' eyes. "Yes, ma'am." As if adding "ma'am" to her sentences would lessen the blow.

"Tell me what happened."

Alex was floating above herself, watching with only a vague sense of pity for the woman below her, trembling as she stood before the formidable Elizabeth Donnelly. "I raped Olivia."

And then she was back in her own body and she couldn't hold it in anymore. She burst into tears.

Liz watched her, her expression devoid of pity. All Alex could read in her piercing eyes was disdain. Disgust. "Really."

Alex nodded through her tears.

"You forced her to have sexual intercourse with you even though she didn't want it?"

Alex nodded again, sobbing harder now.

"You do realize that that's a crime. Especially considering where we work. You're fired. And I'm reporting you to the bar, and you can expect to be prosecuted for this, whether or not Detective Benson decides to press charges."

Alex didn't argue. She knew she deserved this. All of it.

"Go," ordered Liz. "I never want to see you in this office again, do you understand?"

Alex's knees gave way and she nearly fell, but she somehow managed to make it outside. She was crying so hard she could barely breathe, but she hailed a cab and ended up in front of her apartment. But she couldn't go inside. She knew she couldn't. She was a perp now, a criminal. She was no longer a lawyer. She'd committed a crime and she was going to lose her law license. She'd been fired, fired from the one thing that she'd always loved, the one thing she'd been passionate about. It was over. She and Olivia were on separate sides. Olivia was the victim and she had made her so. She was going to prison for raping her girlfriend. How could she have done such a thing?

She wanted more than anything to go inside and curl up with Olivia in front of the fireplace, letting her girlfriend rub her back, stroke her hair, and reassure her everything was okay. But she couldn't.

She turned around and hailed a cab. When the driver asked her where she wanted to go, she said, "Just take me away from here."

**Review for chapter eighteen!**


	18. Chapter 18

Olivia tried not to fret about Alex. The ADA would be just fine; after all, she hadn't done anything wrong. Surely Liz would understand that.

_Surely_.

She lay down on her bed and tried to read a book, but abandoned it after she realized she'd read the same paragraph eight times over and still didn't know what it said. She resisted the urge to call Alex and ask where she was. She should have been back by now.

Olivia tried to calm herself down. Alex would be back soon. She was just . . . taking a walk to clear her head. Right. That was it. Surely Alex would return in a few moments.

_Surely_.

Olivia started to boil some water for pasta. She hunted around in their perfectly organized fridge (courtesy of Alex) for some tomato sauce, but they didn't have any. She debated going out to get some, but she wanted to be home when Alex arrived. Instead, she got some butter and some garlic and decided she would toss the spaghetti with that instead of a sauce.

But the pasta was ready within twenty minutes and Alex still hadn't arrived. Olivia started to worry. She dialed Alex's cell phone number, but the ADA didn't answer. She tried again, but still Alex didn't pick up.

Then she called Liz. "Judge Donnelly, it's Detective Benson," said Olivia when the EADA answered.

"What?" barked Liz.

"Is Alex still there?"

"No," snapped the attorney. "She is no longer employed here."

Anger flashed in front of Olivia's eyes. _That couldn't be. _"Liz," said Olivia weakly. "You know it wasn't her fault."

"I don't care. She committed a crime, Detective. I would have thought you of all people would agree with my decision."

"She didn't –"

"She isn't here," growled Liz. "Goodbye, Detective Benson." And she hung up.

Olivia stared at her phone, wondering what had just happened. How could Liz really blame Alex for what the men had made her do? _She _didn't, and she had been the one who was hurt. But she knew it hadn't been Alex's fault. Alex would never have hurt her on her own.

And that left the question: where was Alex?

Olivia resisted the urge to go back to pacing. Maybe Alex just wasn't ready to come home yet. Maybe she needed some time to herself, to sort things out in her head. And much as she hated it, Olivia would have to be content with that.

She couldn't help but worry, though. She tried to call Alex again, but her call went straight to voicemail. Alex had turned off her phone. She clearly didn't want to talk to Olivia, and that hurt, but maybe this was the way it had to be. If Alex needed some space, then Olivia had to give it to her. She wanted Alex to be comfortable again and she would let Alex set the pace. That was what needed to be done, and so she would do it, because she loved Alex. More than anything.

She sat down on the couch and tried to watch television, but she abandoned it when she realized she'd flipped through every single channel – twice – and still couldn't find anything to watch.

Olivia tried to do something productive. Keeping busy would reduce her stress level . . . she cleaned the kitchen, then the bathroom, then organized the books in the living room in alphabetical order by the first letter of the author's last name. That was how Alex had organized her books when she was in law school – she'd told Olivia it made research easier. She knew that it would make Alex smile when she got back, because Olivia never organized anything without lots of prodding, encouragement, persuasion, rewards, promises, and occasionally threats.

She finished with the books, then moved on to the bathroom, organizing the drawers, arranging the creams and medications by size.

That was when she noticed the razor. It was one of Alex's, but it was caked with a layer of dry blood, and that scared Olivia. The first thought that flashed through her mind was that Alex had hurt herself, but she pushed it away almost immediately. Of course that couldn't be true. Alex had just . . . nicked herself shaving. Yes, that was it. Of course that was it. She needed to stop jumping to conclusions.

She finished organizing the bathroom and moved on to the bedroom, picking her dirty clothes up off the floor (dirty clothes lying around on the bedroom floor was one of Alex's pet peeves) and started to arrange the sock drawer, another Alex compulsion. She organized the socks by color, starting with the blacks, the blues, the reds, and so on until she got to the whites. She did the same with the closet, organizing their clothes in different piles from short sleeves to long and then by color.

By then, it was close to midnight and Alex still wasn't home and she hadn't even called. Now, Olivia couldn't help but worry, and she figured she had a right to. She tried calling Alex again, but still got no answer.

She waited for Alex until three in the morning, when she finally accepted that the ADA wasn't coming home tonight. She climbed into bed and hugged a pillow to her chest, soaking it with the salty tears she'd tried unsuccessfully to hold back as she inhaled the pillow's scent. It was the ADA's pillow, and it smelled like her.

Olivia held the pillow tightly and pretended it was Alex.

**Review if you want the next chapter!**


	19. Chapter 19

Alex ended up at JFK and took the first outgoing domestic flight, not even caring where she was going. It was a nondescript, no-name town just south of the Canadian border – far from Manhattan, but not far enough. Well, she'd cross that bridge when she got to it. Maybe she could get to Canada. No one would ever find her there.

But as she boarded the plane, she started to get scared. This was a stupid idea. Alex Cabot always thought things through meticulously, and that was why things usually worked out for her. But this plan . . . well, it hadn't been thought through at all, and thus, it was stupid. If she left the country, they could issue an international warrant for her arrest. She was a criminal now, and if she left, she'd be a fugitive. She couldn't do that. She needed to stay in New York.

But she couldn't go back to Manhattan. She couldn't face Olivia, who must hate her by now, and Elliot, who would beat the crap out of her for daring to lay a hand on his partner, and Liz, who wanted her disbarred. She couldn't face John or Fin or Arthur Branch or even her own parents. They would disown her for what she'd done. Cabots didn't shame themselves publicly. They didn't commit crimes and they especially didn't rape their girlfriends. Alex wasn't even deserving of her name anymore.

She rested her head on the back of her seat and tried not to cry. Cabots didn't cry in public. Ever.

But Olivia had taught her that sometimes it was okay to cry. _Olivia. _It hurt even to think of the woman she loved so much. Olivia had always been there for her. She had always given Alex a shoulder to cry on and a listening ear and she'd showed Alex that it was okay to express her feelings, whatever they were. It was okay to scream, or cry, or even to be angry and not know why. But most of all, she'd taught Alex that it was okay to laugh. Even when she wanted to cry, it was okay to laugh. _Especially _when she wanted to cry.

She buried her head in her hands, and this time, she did cry. Olivia was the most wonderful woman in the world and Alex had been so lucky to have her. But she'd let Olivia slip away, and now she was gone, forever. Olivia would never want her now. Olivia could never love her now.

She managed to fall into a fitful sleep and when she awoke, the plane was landing. She had always loved this part best, even better than the ascent, which was Olivia's favorite part of being on a plane. She liked to look out the window and watch as the plane tilted and the buildings got larger and larger and the plane got closer and closer to the ground. She loved the feeling of being grounded again, after so long in the air, the feeling of stability, security. That was what Olivia did for her, she realized. Grounded her, kept her stable, made her feel secure. She needed that sometimes.

She would never have it again.

She blinked back her tears as the plane touched the ground. She stood up and exited first, walking outside the airport and hailing a cab to a hotel. She didn't know where she was going or what was there, but she needed a place to sleep tonight, and that came first.

She hadn't brought much money with her – another stupid thing that came from spontaneity, one of the reasons why Alex Cabot was never spontaneous. She slept in the rattiest bed she'd ever slept in, in a flea-infested motel with scratchy, moth-bitten blankets. If only Olivia could see her now, her Cabot pretension nearly nonexistent.

She lay down on the bed and tried to sleep, but the blankets were itchy and she was sure there were at least twenty bugs sharing the bed with her. She tossed and turned all night, unable to sleep. She couldn't stop her tears, but she tried to at least keep them to a dignified minimum.

She got up and rummaged around in her wallet for the picture of Olivia she usually kept there, but it had mysteriously disappeared. _Dammit. _She needed something to hold onto right now, something concrete, something to help her stay strong. Without Olivia, she was nothing. She needed Olivia to help her feel strong and beautiful and secure. She needed Olivia to help her feel good about herself. She needed Olivia to tell her she was loved – that she was _lovable_. She needed Olivia to be there for her, to hold her when she cried, to hug her and kiss her and stroke her hair. All she needed was for Olivia to love her. But she knew Olivia never could now, and she'd brought that on herself.

She sank to her knees and curled up in a ball in the corner of the grimy motel room, burying her head in her knees and sobbing for the woman she loved. The woman that she'd left behind.

**Review for chapter twenty!**


	20. Chapter 20

The first thing Olivia did when she woke up was roll onto her side, searching for Alex. But her side of the bed was still empty and she was still gone. Olivia's eyes filled with tears at the realization, but she angrily blinked them back. She wouldn't cry. She would_ not _cry.

But there was a hole inside her heart where she knew Alex belonged, and the emptiness physically hurt. She loved Alex more than she'd ever loved anyone or anything in her entire life. Their love was simple, but beautiful and pure. They were two sides of the same coin; they were Sherlock and Watson; they were fire and ice, the sun and the moon, black and white. Even though sometimes they were alarmingly different, one could not exist without the other, and one could not be appreciated if the other wasn't there. Olivia needed Alex by her side, or else she feared she would never feel whole again. Without Alex, she was incomplete.

She tried to call the ADA again, but her phone was still off, and it took all Olivia had not to burst into tears.

She didn't feel like going to work, but she knew there was nothing more she could do for Alex. If the ADA didn't want to be found, Olivia wouldn't be doing her any favors by trying to find her. Alex was fiercely independent, and as much as she hated it, she knew she had to give Alex time.

Olivia knew she wouldn't be able to spend a day dealing with perps and victims when her own experiences were so fresh, so she called in sick. She knew the captain's eyes must have been bulging out of their sockets when she told him, even though she couldn't see him. Olivia Benson _never _called in sick!

Well, almost never.

She changed into her jogging clothes and went out for a run around Central Park. It was how Olivia usually dispelled tension. No, she realized that wasn't true. Usually, she released tension by curling up on the couch with Alex and a cup of hot chocolate. She always held Alex, never the other way around. For some reason, it made her feel safer to remember that there was still some good in this world, right there in her arms.

But Alex was gone and Olivia didn't have that. So she did the next best thing.

She ran around her usual path four times, by which time she was exhausted and returned to her apartment. She fell asleep on the couch, clutching a pillow to her chest and pretending it was Alex in her arms.

_Alex was on her knees, rocking back and forth as she cried, sobs racking her frail body. "Please, don't make me," she begged. "Please!"_

_Olivia was there, watching, but she was rooted to the spot. She wanted to run to her Alex, to take her into her arms and cover her with kisses, to reassure her that she was okay. But she couldn't move._

_Alex screamed as the men approached her, grabbing her arms and pulling her roughly to her feet. "Olivia!" she screamed. "Olivia! Help me!"_

_But Olivia couldn't. And then she realized why. She was tied up. She watched as they pulled off Alex's clothes and took their turns. And Olivia couldn't do a thing to stop it._

Olivia woke up sweating, Alex's cries of pain echoing in her ears. She wanted so much to hold Alex right now, to reassure herself that her girlfriend was still okay. She didn't know where Alex was, and that terrified her. Alex could be hurt, and Olivia wouldn't know.

Olivia wrapped her arms around herself and tried not to burst into tears of desperation. She needed Alex now. She didn't know how long she'd be able to last without her other half.

* * *

She got the call at 10:00. Abbie. She wanted to come over. "I'm supposed to prosecute . . . Alex," she said, sounding very uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, Liv," she said miserably. "I didn't want to. But Donnelly told me I didn't have a choice. I'm supposed to find out what happened."

Olivia sighed. "Come on over."

"Is Alex there?"

Olivia blinked back the tears brimming in her eyes as she admitted, "I don't know where she is."

"Okay. See you in ten," said Abbie.

Abbie arrived ten minutes later. Olivia let her in and ushered her into the family room. They sat down on the couch, Abbie looking even more nervous than Olivia felt.

Not one for tact, Abbie got right down to business. "Can you tell me what happened?"

"It wasn't Alex's fault," said Olivia quickly. She took a deep breath. "They kidnapped us, Abbie. They broke into our apartment, pointed their guns, and said to come with them. What could we do? They took us in their truck to the middle of nowhere, took us out of the car, held a gun to her head, and told her to undress me. She refused, and then they started beating her. I told her to do it, because I didn't want them to hurt her. Then they told her to – to rape me. To put her fingers inside me. They were going to kill her if she didn't, Abbie. They were going to kill her right in front of me. I told her to do it. She didn't want to. She was crying. One of the men gave her a branch and told her to put it in me. Alex refused again, but then he smacked her, so hard that she fell to the ground. He said if she didn't do it, he would and he'd make her watch, and then he'd shoot her. There was a gun to her head. What should she have done?" By now, Olivia was crying, shaking in anger. Those men had hurt her girlfriend so much.

Abbie just sat there for a moment, stunned. She clearly hadn't known any of this before. "Why didn't Alex tell Donnelly?"

Olivia shrugged helplessly. "She was ashamed."

"She didn't do anything wrong," said Abbie quietly.

"I know. Tell Liz that."

"I will."

Olivia wiped a hand across her eyes. "She fired Alex. She's going to get her disbarred – and _prosecuted_. Alex did it under extreme duress and I don't want to press charges. And now she's gone. I don't know where she is, and she's scared – she won't come back because she thinks I'm going to be angry. She's already been hurt so much and now we're blaming her for something she couldn't control. She saved her own life and probably mine too. They would have killed me if she hadn't done what they told her to do. Frankly, I don't know why they didn't."

Abbie sighed and squeezed Olivia's hand. "Be glad they didn't. I am."

And then Olivia couldn't hold it in anymore. She fell into Abbie's arms, sobbing hysterically. "I'm scared, Abbie! I don't want to lose her! I don't know what I'd do without her."

Abbie rubbed her back comfortingly. "You won't," she assured her. "She loves you, Liv. She'll come back when she's ready."

"Thank you," Olivia managed to choke out through her sobs. With Abbie's gentle, rhythmic touch, she began to gradually calm down. "I'm sorry," she whimpered.

"Hey, it's okay," said Abbie. "I'm always here for you, Olivia. Always. We're best friends, remember? You've been there for me when I've needed you. Now it's my turn."

Olivia settled in Abbie's arms, even though she couldn't suppress the longing. She wished she was safe in Alex's embrace instead of Abbie's.

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	21. Chapter 21

Alex instinctively reached over to the other side of the bed when she woke up, expecting to feel a warm, comforting body beside her. But she was alone, and suddenly the double bed seemed too small for her and her broken heart.

She wanted to call Olivia, but she knew she couldn't. She just needed to hear her girlfriend's voice right now. She considered calling their apartment, to hear Olivia's voice on the answering machine, but Olivia would be home now. She would have to wait a few hours.

Screw that. She needed the detective now.

She held her breath as she dialled the apartment phone number. Olivia answered on the first ring with a crisp, "Benson."

Alex hesitated. She considered hanging up. She didn't want to – she _couldn't _– have this discussion right now. But this was Olivia. Olivia, who always knew just the right thing to say.

"Alex?" came Olivia's voice, albeit a bit uncertainly. "Is that you?"

God, she sounded worried, sick. She sounded exhausted. And Alex had done that to her. She'd hurt Olivia again. She bowed her head and said softly, "Hi, Liv."

"Alex, where are you?"

Alex blinked back the tears that rushed to her eyes at the sound of Olivia's sweet, compassionate voice. "I – I don't know," she replied; not quite the truth, but not quite a lie.

"Please come home." Olivia was almost _pleading_ with her. "You're not going to get into any trouble, Alex, I promise. I'll take care of it. I'll find a way. I just – I miss you. I want you back. I love you, baby. Please come back." She hesitated, then tried a joke. "Our huge bed is so lonely."

By now, Alex was crying so hard she could barely speak. "I – I don't have money for a plane ticket."

"I'll come get you," said Olivia quickly. "Just tell me where you are, okay, baby? Just sit tight and I'll be there as soon as I can."

"I can't!" wailed Alex. "I can't come back. They'll put me in jail, Liv!"

"No, they won't, baby, I promise. You just tell them what happened – the truth – and they'll understand. You're going to be okay. We're going to be okay. I love you, baby. I love you so much. We'll make it through. Through thick and through thin, remember? Always and forever."

"I can't," whimpered the ADA. "I'm not – you can't love me anymore."

"But, Alex," said Olivia gently, but with an urgency, a desperation in her tone. "I do. I love you more than anything."

"I hurt you. And I'm going to be punished for that." She looked at the ground. "I deserve to be."

Now Olivia just wanted to take her Alex in her arms and kiss her fears away. But they were who-knows-how-many miles away, and she couldn't do that. "No, sweetie. No, no, no. You won't be punished, I promise. You didn't do anything wrong. You did what you had to do, baby. You saved our lives. They would have killed us both if you hadn't done it. I forgive you. Please, Alex, forgive yourself."

"But Liz –"

"I'll talk to Liz."

"She hates me! Everyone's going to hate me."

"But Alex, you didn't tell them what really happened. You gave them an oversimplified version that portrayed you as the villain, and you're _not_. If you tell them the truth, I'm sure everyone will understand."

"They won't." Alex knew she was being stubborn, unreasonable, and Olivia was only trying to help. But she was terrified of going back. She was sure she would be punished because she deserved it. She _had _done something wrong, but she was afraid of going to jail, even though she knew her actions had warranted it.

"Baby, why don't I talk to everyone for you? I'll tell them what happened and –"

"No!" interrupted Alex. "Please, Olivia."

"Sweetie, they're going to find out sooner or later and we don't want them to have any misconceptions, right? We want them to know that you did what you had to do, not what you _wanted _to do. Please, Alex, let me tell them."

Alex sighed. She didn't really have a choice when Olivia got like this. God, the detective was _stubborn_. "Okay," she whispered, then burst into a fresh round of sobbing.

Olivia wished she could hug her. "It's okay, baby, it's okay." She hesitated. "How about we tell them together? You stay right where you are and I'll be there to pick you up as soon as I can. I traced the line. I know where you are. It's okay."

Ales cried harder. She flopped down on the dirty bed in the ratty motel room, too exhausted to say anything more.

"It's okay, baby," said Olivia quickly. "I'll be there soon. It's okay."

Alex just sobbed. She was crying too hard to answer.

"I'll be there soon, princess. I love you. I'll see you in a bit."

The line went dead and Alex stared at the phone. She couldn't believe that Olivia was really coming to get her, that she wasn't angry about what had happened or even that Alex had run away. She wasn't even mad, just worried. _Sad_.

She couldn't stop crying. What was wrong with her? She never used to cry and now she couldn't stop. She'd promised herself that she wouldn't anymore, but she just couldn't help herself.

She buried her head in the grimy, moth-eaten pillow and let herself cry for all that she'd endured and all that she would have to.

**Review for chapter twenty-two!**


	22. Chapter 22

**I know this one's short, but I thought it belonged as its own chapter. I hope you like it!**

There was a knock on the door to the motel room a few hours later. Alex didn't even have the energy to get up; she couldn't say a word.

"Alex, honey, are you in there?" asked Olivia's concerned voice.

Alex didn't answer. She just cried.

"Okay, baby, okay. I'm coming in. Just a second."

She could hear Olivia picking the lock and buried her head in the tattered pillow, too exhausted to move.

The door flew open and she heard Olivia's heavy footsteps approaching. She knelt down beside Alex on the bed and took the ADA into her arms, brushing her hair back from her face. "Baby, are you okay?"

Alex couldn't find the words to respond. She just relaxed into her girlfriend's embrace and sobbed, soaking Olivia's shirt with salty tears.

Olivia rocked her gently in her arms and kissed Alex's forehead. "Shh, baby, shh. It's okay. I love you, and nothing's ever going to change that. You're okay. We're okay."

"I-I-I'm s-s-sorry!" Alex managed to choke out.

Olivia gave Alex another kiss and held her tightly. "No, baby. No, no, no. You have nothing to be sorry for, okay?"

"I shouldn't have – left," she whimpered before bursting into a fresh round of sobbing. "Are you – are you angry?"

"No," Olivia assured her. "I could never be angry at you, Alex. Not for long, anyway. I was worried, that's all."

"Please don't hate me," whispered Alex, crying harder at Olivia's words.

"I could never hate you either, Alex. Where is this coming from?"

Alex buried her head in Olivia's chest. "I think – sometimes – I hate myself."

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	23. Chapter 23

Olivia held Alex for hours, rocking her gently in her arms. "I love you, baby," she murmured, over and over; the words Alex needed to hear. "And I'm never going to leave you, I promise." She kissed a trail up Alex's neck. "You're beautiful."

Alex just cried. "No one – no one ever told me that – before – except – except you," she babbled.

Olivia kissed her again. "You are." She hesitated. "You know what, baby? I think we both need a vacation. Why don't we hang out near Niagara Falls for a few days?"

"I didn't – bring – money," Alex managed to choke out.

"That's okay. I have my credit cards."

"Okay," agreed the ADA shakily, wiping a hand across her eyes.

"But first," she said, flashing Alex her lopsided smile. "We need to find a better hotel. I never thought I'd see the day when Miss Alexandra Cabot would sleep in a cheap motel."

Alex managed a watery smile. "Mrs. Alexandra Benson."

Olivia laughed. "Someday, princess. What about Mrs. Olivia Cabot?"

Alex pretended to consider it. "How about Mrs. Alexandra Cabot-Benson and Mrs. Olivia Benson-Cabot?"

"Perfect," agreed Olivia. "So what do you say to spending the weekend at Niagara Falls?"

"Okay," replied Alex softly, then hesitated. "Olivia?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"Thank you."

Olivia's face softened and she pulled Alex into another hug. "Oh, sweetheart." She held the ADA for a moment, then helped Alex to her feet. "Let's check out of this dump and we'll go find a nicer hotel, by the Falls."

Alex nodded mutely and allowed Olivia to shoulder her purse and lead her to the checkout desk. Olivia paid for the night Alex had stayed, then they took a cab to a nicer hotel near the Falls. Olivia got them a suite, and Alex was too worn-out to protest the unnecessary cost.

They went up to their hotel room, which had a king-sized bed and a balcony that overlooked the Falls. Olivia opened the door to the balcony and smiled. "We've got a great view, baby. Come see!" she called.

Alex obediently followed, then gasped when she saw the Falls. She'd never been here before, and they were absolutely breathtaking. "We do have a great view," she agreed.

"We can see them up close tomorrow," said Olivia, smiling at Alex again and wrapping an arm around the ADA.

Alex couldn't tear her eyes away. "They're beautiful."

Olivia kissed her cheek. "Like you."

Alex smiled. "You can't really compare me to _that_."

"No, you're right," agreed Olivia. "There's really no contest. That's like comparing the Mona Lisa to a kindergartener's stick figures. The Falls, beautiful as they may be, could never even hope to compare to you."

Alex didn't know what to say. There wasn't anything she could say to that, so she didn't say anything. She blinked back the tears that rushed to her eyes at Olivia's kind words and leaned her head on her girlfriend's shoulder. "I love you," she murmured.

Olivia ran a hand through Alex's hair. "I love you, too, baby. More than anything. And nothing's ever going to change that, do you understand?"

Alex nodded shakily. "I know."

Olivia hugged her. "There's nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you, baby. _Nothing_."

"I know," repeated Alex. And this time, it was the truth.

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	24. Chapter 24

Even though it was only early afternoon, Alex was exhausted. When she finally managed to tear her eyes away from the beauty of Niagara Falls, she flopped down on the bed. Olivia joined her a few moments later and took Alex into her arms, gently stroking her hair. Alex smiled and curled toward Olivia, leaning into the touch. She'd missed this.

"We can stay here for a few days," Olivia told her, startling Alex out of her thoughts. "We have the next week off."

Alex tried a smile, but it came out more as a grimace. "I thought I was fired."

"No. But we're going to need to tell Donnelly, and Abbie, and probably the squad – at least Elliot and the captain – what happened. It's the only way we can put those monsters away and the only way I can keep you safe, Alex."

She was dreading this, more than anything. But she knew she was going to have to talk about it sooner or later. So she nodded into Olivia's chest.

Olivia kissed her hair. "It'll be okay, baby. It wasn't your fault. I know that. Abbie knows that. Donnelly and the squad will understand."

Alex looked up questioningly. "Abbie?"

Olivia nodded, giving Alex another kiss. "I'm sorry that I talked to her without asking you, but I couldn't get into contact with you and I got scared. I told her what happened. She doesn't blame you, sweetie. She knows that you did what you had to do."

Alex was surprised to find that she wasn't even upset – she was actually _relieved_. She snuggled closer to Olivia and murmured, "It's okay."

Olivia smiled and went back to stroking Alex's hair. "It _is _okay," she agreed.

As she pulled Alex closer to her, Alex's sleeve rode halfway up her arm, and Olivia noticed the deep red marks marring the alabaster skin. She took Alex's arm and examined in closely, her mind flashing back to the razor she'd found in their washroom.

Alex looked at the ground when she realized what Olivia was doing. "It's nothing, Liv," she said quickly.

Olivia looked at her through wide eyes, not angry, but _concerned_. She pushed the rest of Alex's sleeve up to reveal more crimson gashes on her arm. Olivia gasped. "Alex!"

Alex buried her face in Olivia's chest. "Don't, Liv. Please. I don't want to talk about."

"No, baby. We need to talk about it. This is important." She hugged Alex tightly. "I don't want you to feel like any of this is your fault and I don't want you to hurt yourself. I don't like seeing you in pain, princess."

"But it _is _my fault," whispered Alex.

"No, baby, it's not. It is _not _your fault. I know you might feel like it is – I know this is hard for you – but you have to forgive yourself. You can't keep punishing yourself for something you couldn't control."

"I can't help it," she whimpered, trying to blink back the tears brimming in her eyes.

Olivia kissed her hair and tried to figure out how to say this tactfully. "Sometimes when something traumatic happens, we can't deal with the outcome on our own and we need to look elsewhere for help."

"I _don't _need a shrink," snapped Alex.

Olivia tenderly rubbed Alex's back. "Maybe we could do it together, sweetie. It's not a bad thing or a shameful thing to admit to needing help. Reaching out is a step in the right direction and we can work through this together. It hurt both of us and we are both equally innocent. It was traumatic for both of us – maybe in different ways, but still traumatic."

Alex sighed and reluctantly allowed it. "Maybe," she said, so quietly that her words were barely audible.

"You're hurting yourself, Alex," said Olivia gently. Alex flinched at her words, but Olivia continued anyway. "It's not safe for you to go on like this, and I'm worried about you. It's only because I love you and I care about you, princess. I understand if you can't stop this by yourself, but it does need to stop. We can get you any help that you need, and you know that I will support you in anything and everything you if it makes you feel safer – or happier."

Alex still couldn't meet Olivia's eyes. She was ashamed, but she nodded her concurrence.

Olivia sighed and hugged Alex closer to her, then gently lifted Alex's chin with her thumb and forefinger so the ADA would look at her. When Alex finally met her eyes, all Olivia could read in them was fear. And that made Olivia sad. She caressed Alex's cheek and said softly, "Thank you, Alex."

Alex was confused. Why was Olivia thanking _her_? She was the one who'd done something wrong and she was the one who'd disappointed Olivia. She almost wished the detective would hit her, punish her in some way so she wouldn't have to keep punishing herself.

But then – maybe Olivia was right. Maybe she did need more help than Olivia, even though she loved Alex more than life itself (and Alex knew that), could offer her. Maybe somehow she could get better and stop feeling so horrible about herself. Maybe she could stop hating herself. Because even though she didn't understand how it was possible, Olivia didn't hate her. She hated herself but Olivia – wonderful, loving, caring Olivia – forgave her. She still loved her. No matter what Alex did, she knew Olivia would always love her and treat her like a princess.

It was more than she deserved.

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	25. Chapter 25

Olivia sat with Alex for the next hour or so. She didn't say anything – she realized that she shouldn't. She just held her and rocked Alex gently in her arms until she'd relatively calmed down. She pressed a gentle kiss to Alex's temple and said softly, "Why don't we get in the shower and then go out for dinner? There's a really good Italian place a few miles from here."

Alex nodded shakily, taking a deep breath to compose herself. "Okay," she agreed.

Olivia got up, then helped Alex to her feet. They got into the shower and Alex closed her eyes, allowing the warm water to cascade over the cuts on her arms. She pretended that the spray from the shower was washing away the dirtiness that had enveloped her ever since everything had happened.

Olivia was fully aware of the deep cuts that marred her girlfriend's alabaster skin, but she didn't say a word. She didn't want to make Alex uncomfortable. Then she noticed that the ADA was trembling, even beneath the warm water. Olivia instinctively rubbed Alex's arms to warm them up, eliciting a gasp of pain from Alex, and then Alex bit her lip, staring at the ground and trying not to cry – both from pain and from shame. "I'm sorry, baby," said Olivia quietly. "I wasn't thinking."

Alex wrapped her arms around herself, refusing to meet Olivia's eyes. "It's okay." But it wasn't. Not really.

Olivia took Alex's hands and held them until the ADA finally looked up at her. Now all Olivia could see was pain and absolute _terror _shining in those baby blues. And that broke Olivia's heart. "You're a princess, Alex," she said quietly, brushing a few strands of wet blonde hair back from Alex's face so she was looking right into her eyes. Then Olivia sighed. "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."

Alex couldn't say what she really thought, so she didn't say anything at all.

"What is it, baby?" asked Olivia, her own chocolate eyes filled with pain, with concern, but most of all, with _love_. And that was what hurt the most.

And suddenly, Alex couldn't hold it in anymore. She crumbled to the ground and buried her head in her knees so Olivia wouldn't be able to tell that she was crying.

And then she felt her back being gently rubbed and a tender kiss on the back of her neck. "I love you, Alex," Olivia murmured. "I wish you could see that." She kissed a trail up Alex's back, and Olivia noticed how frail the ADA was. Her spine jutted out and Olivia could feel every bone. She knew Alex hadn't been eating enough, but she would save that particular topic for another day. "You're beautiful," whispered Olivia. "I wish you could see that, too. Because you are."

Alex tried to raise her head, but she couldn't. She was in too much pain, inside rather than out. She hated herself. And here was Olivia, telling her that she was a princess, that she was beautiful, that she _loved _her. How could Olivia love her? She was a horrible person who'd done a horrible thing.

But as Olivia gently rubbed her back and repeated how much she loved her, Alex started to doubt even that. She'd done something she shouldn't have – that was undeniable. But did she really deserve to be punished for the rest of her life? She simply didn't know. And that was something Alex Cabot hated to admit – not knowing something. She liked to know everything. And it scared her when she didn't.

"Talk to me, honey. Tell me how I can help you," pleaded Olivia, rubbing comforting circles into Alex's back.

She managed to push the words past her lips, no matter how much they hurt. They were the only thing she could say. "I – I'm scared."

"Oh, baby." And then she felt Olivia's arms wrapped around her, but it didn't feel suffocating – it felt safe. When she was in Olivia's arms, she felt safer than she'd ever felt anywhere else. Olivia kissed a trail up Alex's spine and then just held her. Finally, she asked softly, "What are you scared of?"

So quietly that Olivia had to strain to hear her, Alex whispered, "That I won't be able to stop."

It took Olivia a moment, and then she understood. Alex didn't like it when things were beyond her control and maybe all of this – the cutting, the guilt – made Alex feel like she was in control. But she wasn't and she was realizing that now. "You can," Olivia murmured. "I know you can, baby. You're strong. You might need some help to get there, but you can feel better."

"But why does it _matter _how I feel?"

Olivia kissed the back of her neck. "It matters to me."

And Alex couldn't fight it anymore. She melted in Olivia's embrace, curling toward her and finally allowing herself to cry.

Olivia just held her, rocking Alex in her arms like she was a child and planting intermittent kisses on her forehead. "It's okay, baby," she whispered. "It's okay."

And in that moment, it was.

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	26. Chapter 26

When Alex had relatively composed herself, Olivia asked her if she'd still like to go out for dinner or if she'd rather Olivia go out and just pick up Chinese or something simple. "I'm okay to go out if you still want to," replied Alex softly.

Olivia looked a bit concerned. "Are you sure?"

Alex nodded. She was sure. She felt bad about the last hour – hell, the last few _days _– that Olivia had spent worrying about her. If Olivia wanted to go out, then they would go out. Then Alex hesitated. "I don't have anything nice to wear." Then she amended, "I don't have anything to wear at all."

Olivia thought about that for a moment, then the realization dawned on her and she started to laugh.

Alex stared at her. "What?"

Olivia chuckled. "Neither do I. We didn't prepare very well for a vacation, did we, baby?"

Alex still didn't understand where Olivia was going with this, so she just shook her head.

Olivia gave her a hug. "Why don't we go out and buy something to wear?"

Alex thought about it. "But we have lots of clothes at home."

"But we don't have any here. Do you want to take a flight back to New York, pick up our clothes, then come back?"

Alex smiled sheepishly and shook her head.

"Then let's get back into what we were wearing and we can go out and get some new clothes. If we get home and decide we really don't want or need them, we can donate them to charity, okay?"

"Okay," agreed Alex.

They got a cab and went out to the outlet mall a few miles away. Alex, being as selective as she usually was, insisted on trying on and critically appraising every single outfit before she bought it.

Olivia, on the other hand, just grabbed three t-shirts, three pairs of jeans, and looked disapprovingly at Alex. "The intention wasn't to spend three hours here. You look gorgeous in anything, babe."

Alex blushed, an uncharacteristic gesture that didn't go unnoticed by Olivia. "Sorry," murmured Alex. She randomly chose a few of the outfits she was holding, then turned back to Olivia. "I'm good."

Olivia examined her for a moment, brushing a few strands of stray blonde hair back from Alex's face. "You okay, honey?"

Alex nodded. "I'm fine." She started for the cash register and they paid for their clothes.

They took a cab back to the hotel and got dressed for dinner. Then they got another cab and gave them the address for the restaurant she wanted to go to.

It was called _La Hacienda _and it was a romantic Italian restaurant, busy, but not too busy. "It's really good here," Olivia told Alex. "They have good pizza, pasta, steak too, I guess."

Alex cocked her head. "When were you here?" She wasn't positive, but she was pretty sure that Serena Benson wouldn't have brought her daughter to Niagara Falls.

Olivia shrugged. "Eighth grade school trip. Time of my life."

"We went to Washington," said Alex.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Yes, o prestigious one. I'm sure you did."

Alex smiled. It was almost as if they were back to normal again.

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	27. Chapter 27

They went to bed that night together, and Olivia held Alex tightly in her arms until the ADA managed to fall asleep.

Olivia stayed awake. She gently rubbed Alex's back, even though she knew Alex was asleep and couldn't feel it, just as much for her own comfort as for Alex's. "I love you," she murmured, planting a soft kiss on Alex's forehead. "You're a princess. You're _my _princess." And just saying those words made her feel a bit better.

She took a deep breath, inhaling and exhaling as she appreciated the serenity. Here with Alex, she felt happier than she'd felt in a long time.

But it didn't last long. A few moments later, Alex began to thrash around, murmuring incoherently. All Olivia could make out was, "Please – please – please! No!"

Olivia sighed. She was used to these nightmares by now, but she hated seeing her Alex in pain. She took Alex's shoulders and held her still. "Alex," she said calmly. "You can wake up. It's okay, honey. It's okay. It's just a dream."

Alex's eyes flew open and she was looking right at Olivia, but she wasn't seeing the detective; she was staring right past her. "Please," she whimpered. "Please don't. Please don't. Please, no! No, no, no!"

"Alex, baby. Baby, it's okay. Calm down. Calm down, baby, calm down. It's just a dream." She took Alex into her arms and stroked the ADA's hair. "Just breathe, baby, okay? In, out, in, out. Deep breaths, baby. Deep breaths. You're okay."

Alex tried to comply, but her tears spilled over and she couldn't breathe through her sobs. "I'm sorry," she tried to say, but her words came out garbled.

"Shh, shh," Olivia soothed, brushing a few strands of silky blonde hair, damp with sweat, back from Alex's forehead. "Don't try to talk, okay? Just breathe. In, and out. In, and out. Good girl." She kissed Alex's forehead and repeated, "Good girl."

Alex let out a shaky breath and rested her head on Olivia's shoulder, too emotionally drained to even say a word. Tears were streaking down her cheeks and she was too exhausted to wipe them away or even try to quell their flow.

Olivia wrapped her arms around her girlfriend and softly caressed Alex's cheek. "It's okay, honey. You're okay. It was just a dream. I'm here."

"I know," murmured Alex, but she wasn't sure if Olivia heard. And then she felt horrible. This was what she did to Olivia, and it wasn't okay. She'd been the one who'd hurt Olivia and Olivia was the one who was comforting her. It was just wrong.

Olivia seemed to understand, because she gently rubbed Alex's back and pressed a tender kiss to her shoulder blade. "I love you, princess. I love you. I wish you could see how much I love you. You're an amazing woman, Alex Cabot. You are."

Alex didn't have the strength to argue. She just continued to cry as she trembled in Olivia's arms. She couldn't seem to stop.

Olivia tucked a few more strands of soft blonde hair behind Alex's ear. "Shh, baby. You're okay. I know you're scared, but you're going to be okay. We're going to be okay."

Alex closed her eyes and let out a strangled sob. "I don't deserve you," she murmured.

"Oh, Alex." Olivia hugged her even more tightly. "I love you. You're my princess, Alex."

"I _raped _you, Liv!"

Alex was still on about _that_? Olivia understood, really she did, but she wished Alex could just pretend it never happened – or at least stop blaming herself. That was the thing Olivia really had a problem with. She just hated to see her Alex in pain. "Alex," she said firmly. "Remember what we talked about earlier?"

Alex lowered her eyes and nodded.

"What did we say?"

Alex couldn't meet Olivia's eyes. "That it's not my fault – and we both might need some help to get through this."

"And?" prompted Olivia.

Alex shrugged helplessly. She didn't know what Olivia wanted her to say.

"And that I love you," said Olivia, kissing Alex's forehead.

"And that you love me," echoed Alex quietly.

"You need to stop punishing yourself, Alex," whispered Olivia. "It wasn't your fault. I don't blame you at all for what happened. I know you're in a bad place right now, but please, let me in. Let me help you." She brushed Alex's hair back from her face and kissed her cheek. "Something bad happened to us – to _both _of us. But that doesn't change anything. I still love you."

"And I still love you," said Alex softly. "But –"

"No buts," said Olivia sternly. "I love you, and that's all that matters." She cupped Alex's cheek with her hand and leaned in to plant a chaste kiss on Alex's lips. But Alex turned her head away, too ashamed to meet Olivia's eyes, too ashamed to let the detective kiss her. Olivia sighed. "I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. You're not bad, Alex. You're _good_. You're the most amazing woman I know and I love you so, so much. I see the way you are, the things you do for others, and I am so, so proud of you every single day, and I am so, so lucky to have you."

Alex smiled weakly.

Olivia smiled back. "There's that gorgeous smile I love so much. Keep it there, okay?"

And that set off the floodgates again. Alex clung tightly to Olivia like a lifeline. "Liv," she sobbed, unable to push one coherent word past her lips. "Liv, I –"

"Shh, baby," soothed Olivia, stroking Alex's hair. "It's okay. It's okay. We can talk in the morning. You go back to sleep."

Surprisingly, Alex obeyed without argument. She rested her head on Olivia's toned stomach – which Olivia vaguely thought might not make such a good pillow – and cried herself to sleep. And Olivia didn't know how to help her. She just continued to run her fingers through Alex's smooth blonde hair.

Olivia was at a loss. What could she do for Alex now?

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	28. Chapter 28

Alex woke up in the morning with Olivia's arms wrapped around her and she breathed a sigh of relief. Olivia was still here. She felt a soft kiss being pressed to her forehead and realized Olivia was awake. No, Olivia hadn't gone to _sleep_. Alex grimaced, but snuggled closer to Olivia. "'Morning, princess," murmured the detective, giving Alex another kiss.

Alex closed her eyes and tried to pretend she was still asleep. She was embarrassed about last night, about her nightmare and then what Olivia had said afterward, and then . . . that they would talk in the morning. Alex didn't want to talk. She couldn't talk. She was self-conscious and uncomfortable and . . . and _afraid_.

"Hey, hey. Are you awake or are you asleep?" asked Olivia lightly, stroking Alex's cheek.

Alex didn't answer. She couldn't push the words past her lips.

"Baby, are you okay?"

Alex turned her head so she was facing the wall instead of Olivia. "I don't want to talk," she said softly.

"We don't have to," Olivia said quickly. "But I'm here if you ever want to, okay? Right now, why don't we get in the shower and we'll get dressed and go downstairs for breakfast? And then we can go see the Falls. We can go out on the _Maid of the Mist_."

Alex's eyes darted toward Olivia, hardly daring to believe her ears. "Really?"

Olivia nodded and gave Alex's hand a squeeze. "You ready to get up?"

Alex nodded and climbed out of bed. Olivia followed a few moments later.

They showered and got dressed before going down to the hotel restaurant. Olivia had the continental breakfast, but Alex wasn't hungry. "You have to eat _something_," Olivia urged. "Have a sip of orange juice. Have some toast."

Alex shook her head. "I'm not hungry."

"Have a strawberry. Just one."

Alex sighed but obediently took the strawberry Olivia handed her. She put it in her mouth and chewed slowly, making a face as she did. "Satisfied?"

Olivia sighed. Judging by the amount of weight Alex had lost, she knew the ADA wasn't eating right. But they were on vacation and that was a discussion for another day. So she nodded approvingly. "For now."

Alex leaned back in her seat and folded her arms as Olivia finished her breakfast. Then they took a cab down to Niagara State Park.

They got out of the taxi and walked closer to the Falls. Alex gasped at the sheer beauty of them up close. The torrent of rushing water, the shimmering rainbows reflected from the Falls . . . it was breathtaking and Alex couldn't tear her eyes away. Being here made her feel so calm, so peaceful, like everything was okay.

Olivia rested her hands on Alex's shoulders and kissed the back of her neck. "Want to get on the next boat?"

Alex nodded enthusiastically, which made Olivia chuckle. She took Alex's hand and led her toward the dock.

They were given blue raincoats so they wouldn't get soaked on the boat and then they got on. Alex was more excited than she'd been in as long as she could remember.

Olivia smiled as Alex grabbed her hand and pulled her to the top deck of the boat. She looked like a little kid on Christmas Day. But it was nice to see her so happy.

When the boat started to skim over the rollicking waves, Alex took Olivia's arm, grinning widely and pointing at the rapidly approaching Falls. The wind toyed with their hair as they got closer and the boat rocked with the force of the rushing water and droplets sprayed onto the boat, soaking Alex's face, but she didn't seem to care. They got closer and closer to the vast waterfall, and watched the overflow immerse with the lake, creating rainbows as the waves rushed toward them. It was almost like they were going into a beautiful rainstorm and the feeling was exhilarating.

When the boat returned to the dock, Alex turned to Olivia, speechless for the first time since Olivia had known her. "That was – that was – wow," she finished, abandoning her usually extensive vocabulary.

Olivia smiled, smoothing Alex's hair. "Glad you had a good time, baby."

Alex nodded enthusiastically, pulling off her raincoat. "That was amazing!"

Olivia laughed. "Do you want to hang around here or do you want to go back to the hotel and get changed?"

"Get changed?"

"Yeah. We're all wet."

"Me more than you," commented Alex.

"Because you were sitting right on the edge of the boat."

"Right."

They walked around the park for another hour, then hailed a cab to go back to the hotel. Alex rested her head in Olivia's lap and the detective resisted the urge to tell Alex that it wasn't safe to lie down in a car. Instead, she stroked Alex's hair and pressed a soft kiss to the crown of her head.

"Liv," murmured Alex, her voice thick with drowsiness. "I had a good time."

The corners of Olivia's lips crinkled into a smile and she gave Alex another kiss. "Me too, princess."

Within minutes, Alex had fallen asleep. Olivia's leg fell asleep soon after, but she didn't move it because she didn't want to wake Alex. She dealt with the discomfort. Ah, the things she did for love.

When they arrived at the hotel, she debated between carrying Alex upstairs or waking her up and facing her wrath. She decided on the latter because their hotel room was on the fifth floor. Olivia paid the cab driver, then gently shook Alex awake. When Alex stirred, Olivia kissed her forehead and whispered, "Time to get up, baby. We're back at the hotel."

"Mm," whined Alex, rubbing her eyes. "I don' wanna . . ."

"I know, baby. You can go back to sleep when we get inside, okay?"

"Mm." Alex groaned and fell limply back against the seat.

Olivia sighed and brushed a few strands of silky golden tresses back from her face. She took Alex's arms. "Come on, sweetie."

She helped her out of the cab and Alex leaned against her, forcing Olivia to shoulder most of her body weight as they made their way back to the hotel room. Olivia rolled her eyes, but she didn't protest.

Alex flopped down on the bed when they reached their hotel room, but Olivia shook her head and gave her a crooked grin. "Your clothes are damp. You're getting the sheets all wet."

"Mm." Alex groaned again. "Don' care."

"I can help you," offered Olivia, smirking.

"Mm hm."

Olivia took that as a yes and gently undressed Alex, then handed her a sweatshirt. "That's better," she approved, lying down next to Alex.

The ADA snuggled closer to Olivia. "Love you, Liv," she murmured as Olivia wrapped her arms around her, her body relaxing in the detective's embrace.

Olivia kissed Alex's forehead. "Love you, too, baby."

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	29. Chapter 29

They spent two more blissful, peaceful days at Niagara Falls, but their happiness was short-lived. On Monday, they took a flight back to New York City. Alex was dreading their return home because she knew they would both have to deal with their bosses and tell their story.

Olivia tried to make it as easy as possible for Alex, distracting her as best she could. She let Alex have the window seat and gave Alex her iPod earphones so she could watch a movie, but Alex abandoned it after about ten minutes, unable to concentrate. Olivia kissed her cheek, not even caring that they were in public, and gently rubbed her back. Alex sighed, but settled into the touch and rested her head on Olivia's shoulder.

As the plane started to descend, Alex started to shiver. She really didn't want to do this.

"It's going to be okay," Olivia murmured, noticing the trembling of Alex's shoulders and massaging them. She pressed a soft kiss to the base of Alex's neck. "Don't be scared, honey. I'm here, and I'll stay here, by your side. Forever and always."

Alex took a deep breath and nodded, folding her shaking hands in her lap, clasping them so hard that they turned white.

Olivia took Alex's hands in her own, rubbing them to warm them up. She caught Alex's eye and gave her a smile, and Alex managed to smile back. Olivia reached out to caress her cheek and said softly, "You have such a beautiful smile, baby. Keep it there, okay?"

Alex nodded and took another deep breath, leaning back against Olivia as the plane hit the ground.

They waited until everyone else got off the plane before exiting themselves. Olivia hailed them a cab back to their apartment and Alex rested her head in Olivia's lap. "You're so brave, baby," she whispered, stoking Alex's hair. "I'm so proud of you."

Alex closed her eyes and tried to calm her fears. They didn't have to do this today. Olivia said they could wait until tomorrow morning to talk to Liz and she'd promised she would stay with Alex every step of the way. She was going to be okay.

They reached the apartment a few moments later. Olivia paid the taxi driver and they went upstairs to their apartment. It was sort of nice to be home.

Alex went into their bedroom and started to unpack, but Olivia gently took Alex's hands in her own and kissed them. "It's okay, honey. I'll do it. You go lie down."

Alex was too worn out to argue. She curled up on the bed and watched Olivia toss their new clothes into the dirty clothes hamper and put away their bags. She closed her eyes and sighed.

Olivia looked up, her brow furrowing in concern, and she climbed up onto the bed beside Alex, pulling the ADA into her arms and kissing her forehead. "I love you, princess," she murmured.

Alex snuggled closer to Olivia. "I love you, too."

Olivia ran her fingers through Alex's long, silky, blonde tresses and pressed a soft kiss to the base of her neck. "Tomorrow morning we'll go talk to Liz."

Alex started to tremble, but attempted to calm her nerves. "Okay," she agreed quietly.

Olivia kissed her again, rubbing Alex's arms to warm them up. "But tonight it's just you and me. Try not to worry, Alex. It'll be okay."

Alex took a deep breath and nodded.

Olivia smiled weakly, but she didn't say anything else. She just held Alex until she fell asleep.

* * *

_Olivia was on the ground, bleeding, unconscious. Alex was trying to staunch the blood flow, but to no avail. "Stay with me," Alex begged through her tears. "Please, Liv. Wake up!"_

_She heard the whirr of an engine. A car was approaching and she got up, waving her hands so they'd notice her. They needed help._

_But she realized when they got out of the car what a mistake that was. It was the men who'd hurt Olivia. They were back!_

_One of them grabbed Alex and put a hand over her mouth so she couldn't scream. "It's time to save yourself," he growled. "We're leaving and you're coming with."_

"_I won't leave her," whimpered Alex._

_The second man held up his gun, pointed it at Olivia, and shot. One in the head and she was dead. "Now there's nothing holding you back."_

Alex woke up with tears streaking down her cheeks. But then she tried to reassure herself and curb her tears. She was here in Olivia's arms. Olivia was okay and so was she.

She didn't want to wake Olivia, so she gingerly extricated herself from the detective's grasp and went into the washroom. She splashed cold water on her face, but it didn't help.

Even though she knew she shouldn't, Alex couldn't help herself. She rummaged around in the cupboard for a razor . . . but she couldn't find one. She held back her groan. Damn Olivia. What else could she use? Scissors? A knife? No, she didn't want to cut too deep. She wanted oblivion, but not death. She stamped her foot in frustration.

"Alex?"

Alex jumped at the sound of Olivia's voice coming from the doorway. "Did I wake you?" she asked softly, trying to keep her annoyance at Olivia under control. She wasn't a baby, dammit. It wasn't Olivia's job to throw out all her razors just so she wouldn't hurt herself.

But then, that was just Olivia, and that was one of the things Alex loved most about her. Olivia was always trying to take care of everyone around her and she hated seeing anyone in pain. She was only trying to protect Alex, and the ADA couldn't fault her for that.

"Are you okay?" asked Olivia, matching Alex's quiet tone.

God, that was one of the things Alex absolutely hated, even though she did it herself. Answering a question with a question. "I'm fine." She hesitated. "I'm sorry I woke you," she offered.

And then Olivia's warm arms were wrapped around her and she felt a gentle kiss being pressed to the crown of her head. "Come back to bed," murmured Olivia, and Alex knew that she hadn't fooled Olivia one bit. The detective realized what she'd been about to do.

"I'm sorry," Alex whispered again.

"I know, honey. I know." She gently took Alex's shoulders and kissed the base of her neck. "Come on."

Alex let Olivia tuck her back into bed and wrap her arms around her, holding her close. To her horror, she felt more tears brimming in her eyes and tried to blink them back.

"We're going to be okay, Alex," murmured Olivia, rubbing soft circles into her back. "I'm here. I will always be here."

How was it that Olivia always knew just the right thing to say? "I know."

Olivia kissed her shoulder blade. "Go back to sleep. We have to work in a couple hours."

Alex sighed. It wasn't as if she really had a choice.

She couldn't sleep. She was dreading the morning.

**Review for chapter thirty!**


	30. Chapter 30

Olivia woke up around seven. She gently shook Alex's arms and pressed a soft kiss to the base of her neck. "Hey, princess. Time to get up."

Alex looked at her through wide, frightened eyes. She immediately started to tremble.

Olivia hugged her tightly. "It's okay, honey. I'm here." She gave Alex another kiss. "Come on. Let's get in the shower."

Alex reluctantly got out of bed and followed Olivia to the washroom, who turned on the shower and stripped, getting in and motioning for Alex to do the same. Alex shivered, but complied.

Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex and pulled her close, kissing the ADA's hair. "We're going to be okay, Alex. We can do this."

Alex took a deep breath and nodded. She leaned against Olivia and allowed herself to relax in her girlfriend's embrace.

They finished their shower, then got dressed and went into the kitchen. Olivia made herself a cup of coffee and Alex a cup of tea. "What do you want for breakfast?" she asked.

Alex sighed. "I'm not hungry."

"You have to have _something_," Olivia told her. "You've lost a lot of weight, honey. It's not healthy."

Alex turned away. "Don't tell me what to do," she muttered, hollowly, with no real conviction.

Olivia sighed, too. She sat down beside Alex and gently massaged her shoulders. "Have a banana," urged Olivia.

Alex shook her head, taking a sip of tea and grimacing. "Olivia," she said firmly. "I'm not a child. Stop trying to take care of me. I'm an adult and I can decide whether I want breakfast or not."

Olivia smiled to herself. "Sorry, sweetie. I'm just worried about you."

"Well, don't be. I'm okay."

Olivia didn't believe it for a second, but she nodded anyway. "Okay, honey." She had a banana herself and pulled on her shoes. "You ready?"

Alex tried to compose herself and slowly nodded. She followed Olivia outside the apartment and they hailed a cab.

Alex rested her head in Olivia's lap and the detective threaded her fingers through Alex's hair. "You're strong, baby," she murmured. "You can do this."

Alex nodded, trying to calm her ragged breathing.

They reached the DA's office and Alex started to tremble again as they climbed out of the cab. Olivia noticed and took her hand, rubbing it to warm it up. "You're okay, princess. You're okay."

She let Olivia lead her inside, where some of her colleagues cast curious glances her way, but she ignored them. She was here on a mission, and she was going to accomplish it if it killed her. She had nothing left to lose.

Olivia knocked on the door to Liz's office and Alex took a deep breath. They were really doing this. She was absolutely terrified.

Olivia noticed and squeezed Alex's hand. "Breathe," she murmured, and Alex exhaled a shaky breath.

Liz opened the door and Alex immediately dropped her gaze. She couldn't bear to meet her boss' eyes.

"Come in," said Liz sharply, and Alex and Olivia followed her into her office, sitting down across from her. Alex still kept her eyes down, unable to look at either of them. Without preamble, Liz snapped, "What is it?"

Alex glanced at Olivia, waiting for her to explain, but Olivia didn't. Alex took a deep breath and forced herself to meet Liz's eyes. "I – I didn't tell you what really happened – with –" God, she was tripping over her words. She needed to pull herself together. She focused on breathing for a moment, then looked at Liz again, unsure what to say or how to say it. Finally, she just burst out, "They broke into our apartment and they had us at gunpoint and they – they took us with them and they held a gun to my head and they told me to – to rape Olivia and they said they'd kill us if I didn't." She hung her head. "So I did."

Liz crossed her arms, seemingly unaffected by Alex's words and the pain that shone through as she spoke them. "Why didn't you tell me this to begin with? And why did you take the case, Alex? You knew it was unethical."

Alex looked at the ground. She didn't know what to say.

"It wasn't her fault, Liz," said Olivia firmly, a hint of reproach creeping into her tone.

Liz fixed Olivia with her icy stare. "I know that. But that doesn't excuse her unethical conduct. There are going to have to be repercussions for that."

"Don't you think she's been punished enough?" snapped Olivia.

"She's right here," muttered Alex, but neither of them seemed to hear, and went back to talking about her as if she wasn't in the room.

"I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you – for both of you – but that doesn't excuse anything else. The fact of the matter is that if Alex had told the truth to begin with and not taken on the case – which was completely unethical – we wouldn't be here."

"Has it been that long since you've been at SVU that you don't remember the aftermath of these crimes? The guilt, the shame . . . even if it seems illogical to you."

Alex bowed her head, blushing at how easily Olivia could read her emotions. "I'm sorry," she offered, so quietly that she wasn't sure if Liz heard her. Olivia must have, because she gave Alex's hand a comforting squeeze. Neither of them were particularly fond of public displays of affection, but clearly Olivia thought Alex needed it now.

Liz softened. "I understand." She sighed. "I'll smooth things over with Arthur." In a gentle voice that was unfamiliar to Alex, Liz added, "I think it might be a good idea for you to take some time off, Alex."

Alex finally raised her head, hardly daring to breathe. "How long?" she said softly, trying to keep her voice level.

Liz sighed again. "Two weeks. If you need more time, let me know. I'll have Novak take over your caseload."

"Thank you," whispered Alex, unable to believe her good luck. She wasn't going to be fired or prosecuted or disbarred or anything worse. She'd done it. She'd been brave and stood strong and she was going to be okay.

"Go home," said Liz in that same gentle tone. "I'll see you in two weeks."

It was a dismissal and they took it at face value. Alex got to her feet, her knees barely holding her up, but she managed to make her way out of the DA's office before collapsing in Olivia's arms.

Olivia kissed her hair, gently rubbing her back as Alex tried to hold herself upright, attempting to keep the tears at bay. "You did it, baby," she murmured, holding Alex close. "You're so brave. So brave." She kept one arm wrapped tightly around Alex as she used to other to hail a cab.

She managed to hold out until they sat down, and then Alex's tears spilled over and she leaned into Olivia. The detective kissed her tears away and took Alex into her arms. She didn't say anything else, just held her close.

When Alex had calmed down enough to speak, she curled up against Olivia, not even caring that they were in a cab. "Thank you," she whispered, her voice breaking.

"It's okay, princess," whispered Olivia, combing her fingers through Alex's hair and kissing her forehead. As she did, Alex saw the tears brimming in her own eyes. "It's okay. We're okay."

And they were.

**I think I'm going to leave this one as the last chapter. I hope you liked the story. If so, review!**


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